Stop Whining!

So it's the end of my drama week. After all the crazy thoughts, teary-eyed appearance and out of my mind gestures, I'm better now. It really takes a week for me to get over this nasty feeling. I don't wanna feel this anymore. I hate it when you can't smile. No matter how everyone described their day as happy and cool, you still feel empty and hopeless. Nah...I don't want to experience it anymore. I guess the word "distance" contributed a lot. Plus my days of hibernating and just staying in my room, wallowing, watching "emo' movies and listening to heartbreaking songs also helps. My "me time". I know it's a bad idea to whine about those stuff, but I that helps me recover from the bad mood I had last week because of the unexpected things I've read and experienced. I'm glad it's over now. I can't say it will not happen again but I think I'm more ready now. It's like I'm having my midlife crisis where you can't figure out what you want and you feel so useless that you want to yell and burst out into tears. I can't really explain what I feel that time. Unpredictable. I now believe that everyone will reach a point in their life where they don't know what to do. You feel so messed up that you want to locked yourself on your room and stop breathing. I'm glad I can smile now. When I read my previous tweets, it is a reflection of a dumb girl who hated life for a week. But I learned my lesson now. See, I can put smiley faces in my tweets now. It's not bad to whine, it helps you get back in track and realize that everyday is a battle. You just have to make good choices. You also have to be wise in choosing the people you want to enter your life. Not all of them leaves a good mark, but no regrets, they help you for who become now. I also realized that in love, you really can't choose whom you love. No matter how you like/love the person, if he don't feel the same thing, it's nonsense. So, better enjoy life. Who knows the right one might just be around the corner waiting for the perfect moment. During the days that I feel so crazy, I'm glad I still have my family beside me. It's so comforting. And of course GOD, having conversation with him and venting out my feelings is very helpful. :)

Absolute Boyfriend

After "To The Beautiful You" which is a Korean Drama Series, I finished another one this week. A Taiwanese drama entitled "Absolute Boyfriend" starring Goo Hye Sun and Jiro Wang. Grabe hindi ko nakilala yung bidang lalaki dito kasi sya pala yung guy sa "It Started With A Kiss", yung ka-rival ng bida dun. He was so young then. Pero sa series na toh, ang laki ng pinagbago nya. Very hunk and mature. Gorgeous syempre. The plot of the story is very unique. Who would ever fall in love with a robot? Well, it's only Xiao Fei (Goo Hye Sun). With her fears of becoming single all throughout her life, she ordered this robot perfectly designed to be her boyfriend. It was Night (Jiro Wang). It was a secret all along. They seemed to be a good pair. Night was designed to do all the things that would make Xiao Fei happy. A perfect couple. Hmmm..san kaya makakabili ng katulad ni Night? Then of course, Zong Shi, Xiao Fei's neighbor who also liked her discovered it and the story gets more complicated. Since Night is a robot, he malfunctioned during a fight with Kronos Heaven's second male robot. From that day on, they knew they can't fix Night. Xiao Fei knew this and make sure that she'll treasure every moment with Night. They even decided to get married. However, it was the night before their wedding that Night knew himself that it was his last day. They were in front of the altar practicing their vows when Night stop functioning. Everyone thought it was the end not until early in the morning they found out Night still have 10 seconds to live. Xiao Fei confessed her love. Night tears fell down then slowly as the machine counts from one to ten, Night reminisced all his happy moments with Xiao Fei. Then that was the real end. Who knows someone can put up a good ending? Kinda sad and tragic. But I guess love knows no boundaries, whether you're a robot or a plain human being, all is fair in love. I cried while watching the ending. I can't help it. But it was a nice drama. I enjoyed watching it. :)

Overlooking The Signs!

You only realize that you're making a mistake when you're hurt already. That's fine with me cause I tolerated it. Why? Because that time I'm happy. I just ignored it. But then you will find out that everything has an end. Every feelings has its limitations. It's not always happy. Sometimes just because you're with the person you like almost everyday you think that things are going well, you'll be both fine. Hindi mo na naisip na ginagawa lang nya yung role nya sayo as a friend. That's it. You thought there's something magical going on, but hey girl, we don't live in a world of fantasy na gugustuhin ka ng taong gusto mo. Welcome to reality wherein it goes the other way around. In short, asa ka pa. Wake up! Sabi nga nila, minsan wag lang puso ang pairalin pagdating sa pag-ibig. Use your brain din. We tend to be overwhelmed with our feelings that we lose our value. Leaving nothing for ourselves. Ang dami ng signs but then we never pay attention to it. Ang bitter pakinggan diba? Pero if we just consider the signs, kahit konti na-save natin ang sarili natin for falling too hard. Dumb. Ba't ko toh nasabi? Cause I've felt and experienced it on my own. Nung una palang malabo na but I still pursue the feelings. Then you found out you're the only one left in the situation kasi the other person don't really care at all. Yung tipong gusto mong sumigaw. Yeah because you're stupid and second, hindi ka na natuto. Eto pa nga yung mga signs na nakita mo pero hindi mo pinansin: 

-- He don't text you at all. Or should I say ite-text ka lang nya pag may concern sya about sa work. Di ba pag gusto ka ng isang tao kahit magkaiba kayo ng line, he'll make an effort magkausap lang kayo. In this case, no effort at all. Hindi pa magrereply unless super importante.

-- You're sick for how many days and never even care to ask if you're feeling well na ba. Kahit na "plastik mode" lang sana to ask you if you already take your medicines, wala talaga. Very frustrating kung iisipin. 

-- Uuwi ka ng gabi coming from somewhere and he don't care if may sasakyan ka pa ba pauwi. If safe ba yung sasakyan mo and when you get home, wala pa ding text to check if nakauwi ka ng maayos. You'll know nalang na ang sarap pala ng tulog nya that night. 

-- Pag may babaeng nagfi-flirt sa kanya, he just let it kahit kaharap ka. Sa bagay wala naman syang dapat i-explain sayo pero grabe kahit konting respeto lang naman sana. You've been teased as an item kaya discreet naman. Naiintindihan ko na ayaw mong ipahiya sila pero they tend to abuse you na. Minsan naiisip ko na gusto mo din kasi baka you're just like one of them. 

-- Hindi mo man lang na-appreciate ang mga effort na nagawa sayo. You always take it as it is not knowing that someone did it for you to be appreciated. I don't know if you're just being numb.

-- He is very insensitive. He only thinks of himself and what would benefit him. Sometimes you tend to sacrifice things and wala lang sa kanya. 

-- When people tease you, he don't say a word. He left you hanging. Mukha ka tuloy tanga.

-- He is childish and immature. 

Ang dami pang reasons. I guess I'm really stupid enough not to notice it. Sometimes when you fall in love puro good things lang ang nakikita mo. I've learned na you have to balance everything. Hindi puro kilig lang. You always have to look at the other side of it which we often neglect. Siguro kaya madaming nsasaktan cause we all get blinded. You really need to spare something for yourself so that if the time comes, it'll not be hard for you to pick up the pieces. Yes we'll be broken but that's part of it. You just have to be wiser the next time around. 

Losing The Other Side of Myself

Lately, I'm pretty messed up. For a reason I can't understand. I had this weird things running through my mind that I don't normally think. Am I being a psycho? I don't know. I am really losing interest in everything I'm doing now. I feel like I changed. I don't usually dwell in this kind of stuff but now, I can't help it. Does it have to do with the decisions I made? It's haunting me. Or I am just really confuse on what I want for myself.  I'll be back to work later and I don't wanna be like this when I get there. It'll surely affect my performance. I guess the real problem is I stop dreaming. I stop aiming. I just become a regular person contented with what I'm getting now and what I'm experiencing. Is this how life supposed to be? In my case, it should not. I already know the idea that I have to work hard but working is not enough. I have to get out of the box and do something. I have the freedom but it seems like I'm not using it. I feel very stagnant. And I hate it. I was not like this before. I am very optimistic and determined. Now, I'm losing the passion. I just settle with what I have now. I need to strive hard, I know I can do better than this. But my questions is, "HOW"?. I'm beginning to lose my options and my faith. Where's the girl who never run out of good ideas? Where's the girl whose always positive despite of a not-so-good situation? I am beginning to lose that side of myself. Maybe I've been dependent with other people. Maybe I get too attached. Or I am now scared. I am risk-taker, but where it it now? Today, I'm trying to realize of whom I should become. I have to settle for the best. It's not okay to be okay. I think things are falling apart because I tend to neglect GOD. I become so overconfident without knowing that I need HIM. For the days that I'm so happy, I forgot HIM. For the achievements that I received, I get too comfortable with it that I don't even thank HIM. If there is someone I wanna have a conversation with now, I want to talk to HIM. I know HE's just around guiding and watching my every step. Prayer-that's the key. I know GOD I've been overwhelmed with the things I got but I know that I'll be more happy if I also share it with you. The reason why I'm feeling hopeless now because of all the people I need to look after to, I forgot to include you. That was a big mistake and I hope you understand me. I feel like a lost sheep trying to find the right path again. And I know you'll show me the way. I've never felt this hard before. But with you by my side, I'm sure I'll surpass it. Thank you GOD for everything. 

Drama Week :(

I hate this week. I am not really wishing for a perfect Monday-Friday happenings, just the average is totally fine with me. However, this week really sucks. From work, to my personal life, lovelife (meron ba?) and at home. Everything is not going well the way I expect it. Maybe I assume and thought that every week will be just almost the same than the previous one not opening my mind that there were really days that we feel off  and that we just want it to pass hoping that the next day will be a better one. Why my week sucks? Here are the reasons:

1. My RSR performance is very poor. I ended 18.75% last Monday. Well, the week after that I got 6.75% which is very pathetic. Then Wednesday 17.95%. What's up with my RSR??? Very frustrating to get a 16.67% MTD. 

2.  An officemate who happen to spy all the time. Hey, were not celebrities so stop asking for information. Mind your own business. What's with the lies? Better keep your mouth shut. It annoys me seeing you walking back and forth the hallway wherein fact your shift is still at 1am and you're here at the office at 8:30pm. For whaattt??? Okay, breathe. I've said too much. 

3. Unexpected message I read from someone close to me. But of course the message was not directly for me, it just happened I read it and from thereof, I felt that I need to start treating that person differently. I felt like all efforts wasted and even my hope faded in just one message. Lesson learned in the hard way. Do not assume. I posted a lot of emo and bitter tweets and I don't know if he read it. I don't care cause that's what I'm feeling that time. I decided to get some space but failed to hold on to it and decided to get things back to normal. But believe me, when I read it, I almost cry and I felt like I wanna rewind everything hoping that I did not pass by that message so that my mood was not ruined. I just get myself back today where I learned to simply ignore it but be more guarded. Protecting my feelings is such a selfish thing to do. 

4. Getting sick. With the change of the weather, I got severe cough and flu. My asthma attacked which I haven't experience for more than a year already. I was absent from work last Thursday and need to see a doctor for check-up. I'm having difficulty breathing that it scares me. Good thing I had my Mom beside me. 

5. The rain. It's okay for me to rain when I'm just at home but heavy rains and you need to go to work, that's insane. Hello traffic. Hello taxi. Hello getting wet feet which I hate the most. Thanks to my new umbrella, I survived the rainy days.

6. Arguments at home. Whenever the topic is all about me going abroad, the conversation always become intense. My father and I sharing different opinions and my Mom being neutral is very hard to handle. Sometimes I wonder the issue of working abroad will not be a family issue if no one open the idea or said about it. I know it's a good opportunity but the main heat of the argument is still about the finances. We are not yet financially stable to support my travel abroad. Plus, the fact that no one is willing to help. That's the truth. 

Some of the reason maybe simple or petty but this still irritates my week. I don't know if this has something to do with my gland or being immature but I'm glad my drama week is over and I'm looking forward to a better week  two days from now. 

MinSul

I am becoming a MinSul fan after watching the Korean TV series "To The Beautiful You". Choi Min Ho and Sulli's tandem is perfect for the series. This was like the Hana Kimi version of Korea wherein Goo Jae Hee played by Sulli disguised as a boy and studied at an all boy school just be near with the man of his dreams who happen to be Kang Tae Joon (Choi Min Ho). They look cute together. Ang dami syempreng "kilig' scenes. I started watching it Sunday with 16 episodes and I finished the marathon Wednesday. Grabe, very uplifting yung feeling pag pinanuod mo, stress reliever talaga sa dami ng feel good scenes. Like the usual, I Googled the biography of the casts. Parang spy lang ang dating. Ang charming naman kasi ni Choi Min Ho. Plus the fact that he had good lips and smile irresistibly. Parang bata lang ako na ngasusulat sa diary ng crush nya. Ahaha. Well, I just wanna share how this tv series made me smile. The story is very cool. I feel like I'm just starting high school and I had this huge crush with one of my classmate that I'll do anything for him to notice me. Chos! Basta, I'll add this to my favorite Korean TV series collection. :)

Space

Lately, na-realize ko that I needed some space from almost everything to get my mind on track. I've been a mess this past few days. I felt like lahat ng ginagawa ko turned out to be a disaster. So I thought I give myself a break muna sa lahat ng bagay na nagpapa-stress at depress sa akin. At work, not a good start or last week. But it's not really a big problem pa namam kasi I still got loads of time para bumawi which I know magagawa ko naman. My family, still the same. And you know what, I felt I need a new inspiration as well. Feelings are beginning to fade. Hindi ko alam kung bakit but the "kilig" is no longer there compared before. I don't want the feelings to end but it comes out naturally. Sometimes you really need to get some space so you see how many people really care about you. Just a test of loyalty. This is hard to do in the first place but you have to. Or should I say I have to. Sometimes too much attachment will lost your capability to decide, cause you become so dependent to them that you forgot to stand on your own. You tend to neglect yourself as well and give most of your time to them. I need to learn how to love myself first before others. I need some thorough thinking and once I figure out what I want and whom I deserve to be, that's the time I can let things back to normal. As if nothing has change.

HangOver 1,2,3...

I heard this movie for quite sometime but did not make an effort to watch it. Not when the 3rd installment was about to air this month. My bro downloaded HangOver 1 and 2 last weekend and I watched it. It was hilarious. I had this sort of regret that I didn't watch it before in the cinema. It was a total wreck. I love the casts and the flow of the story. And I think I kinda fell in-lobe with Phil here, played by Bradley Cooper. He was a hunk. Totally gorgeous. I enjoyed watching it especially the part 2 which was taken in Bangkok. There has been a lot of crazy scenes. Allen is such a retard and Stu is very emotional. I hate Chow whenever he laugh cause it seems like he's trying to bully/tease you. He's a bitch. I did watch the 3rd installment today and it was okay. The story was different from the last two sequels. They say it's the last. But I don't think so cause at the end of the movie, somehow they got drunk again and did not remember anything. The end of third sequel there. I guess I'm seeing Bradley Cooper again. I did experience to get a hang-over but not as pathetic as what they have. :)

More than friends. Less than lovers. ????

I checked this website na super in demand ngayon because it allows you to vent out your heartaches, love problems and good love stories. I got curious so I browsed the site. Yung website is wotwentwrong.com. Grabe ang daming posts and different articles about love and relationships. Pero one article caught my attention. Yung "more than friends, less than lovers". I got this weird heartbeat when I sawthis article. But to my surprise, when I'm about to read it, the connection got fired up. And so I decided to make my own.

Ang hirap i-define ng phrase na ito. Very confusing and at the same time kinda depressing. I don't know if I got hit by this article personally or I just wanna express my opinion. Okay, let me start. A guy and a girl seems to be very close. They shared each others stuff. They go out together. They talk a lot. They with each other everyday. They share plans about their future. They have other friends din naman. Pero pag sila na ang magkasama, everyone thought na may something na iba sa kanila. We don't know kung anu yun pero that has a deeper meaning. Cge just to set things straight, akala ng lahat "sila". What we don't get is katulad lang naman sila ng ibang friends nila. The fact na magkasama sila parati doesn't mean na "sila". Pwede din namang nasanay na lang sila na i-treat ang isa't-isa sa ganung paraan. Walang malisya sa kanila pero sa iba meron. May mga instances din na they were seen together having lunch/breakfast/dinner or even brunch. In our time, hindi ba pwedeng mag-lunchng sabay ang isang girl or boy? Were adult now. Can we think more mature? Buti nalang may mga katulad ni girl at boy na hindi affected whatever other people say. They may not know where they both stand but at least they're being cool with it. Smilin' around as if they don't care. But for others, kinda annoying cause hindi nila ma-sort out if si girl and boy were just acting innocent or dedma lang talaga. Whatever! Kelan nga ba nasasabing "more than friends, less than lovers"? Siguro pag yung actions nila and treatment with each other is lumagpas na sa boundary ng pagiging friends. Akala nila normal pa din ang lahat not knowing na they treating each other na pala so special that others see it differently pero sa kanila naging routinary nalang. We know naman how friends adore each other's companion pero pag sila na ang nag-express, parang may sarili silang mundo. They had their own language na sila lang ang nakakaintindi. Too much care and concern. Daig pa nila ang nasa isang relationship kung kumilos. Pero again,hindi "sila". Sobra-sobrang friendship pero pag love ang pinag-usapan they shut their mouth. Kasi hindi rin nila ma-explain. Kasknga hindi sila aware na ganun na pala. In the first place, they never discuss it and they don't mind. They're just okay with it. Wala naman silang nasasaktan. Yun ay kung wala talaga. Ewan natin. To cut the chase, hindi talaga "sila". They're not lovers. The guy's not courting the girl and the girl just sees the guy as her closest guy friend. Yun talaga. They can have a crush with anyone they want. The guy can flirt with other girls and it's fine with the girl. So as the girl can date another guy and the guy is just good with it. No commitment involve other than friendship. When one gets hurt, they're still back with each others arms then back to the same routine. That's how their life goes. We live in a crazy and complicated world and so they were. Better to leave them alone cause they're grown-ups. They know what their doing and where they headed. If one fall in-love with the other, it's always their choice. If they suffer, they'll handle that or so endure it. Hindi lahat ng nasa ganitong situation succeed, some got their luck, others just move on. Kung san man sila papunta or they just remain friends forever, they'll deal with it. Sinabi lang naman natin kung anu ang nakikita natin sa kanila. It's up to them. I really hate to explain this phrase kasi it's going nowhere but I'm glad I get to burst out my opinion.

Retracted

Last Wednesday, I made a tough decision to retract my resignation. Ewan ko ba pero feeling ko kasi hindi pa ito yung tamang time to leave the company. I know that I have unsettled business pa pero more than ramdam ko talaga na hindi pa ko pwedeng umalis. I don't know what the reason is pero instinct lang. Maraming natuwa when they found out that I'm going to stay. Syempre na-touched ako cause I see how many people look after me. Sabi ko nga, when I became an OIC I got the respect I never expected. And happy na ako dun. Pero syempre my plans of going abroad is still there pa naman, until further pa nga lang. Kaso this past few days I am having this big confusion na parang gusto ko ng umalis. Ang gulo talaga. Not really a regret that I retracted. It's more of realization where I should be headed. My mind saying something and my heart goes the other way. I've been thinking of it so closely now that I wanna make the next decision firm. Alam ko malapit ng dumating yung point na yun cause I'm beginning to solve the puzzle, just mere pieces and it's all done. For the meantime, I'll continue to do my work. Of course I still love my job. Wala namang nagbago. It's just that there will come a point wherein you need to choose on something you want versus on something you need. I'm almost on the edge of figuring it out.