Mr. Q!

Jensen and I had our mini-despedida last Saturday. And I don’t know but I feel like I am confused now. Minus the party, Mr. Q and I had this conversation while everyone’s drinking and singing. We had this moment wherein I felt like when everyone’s busy we had this wall that blocked us from getting distracted.  We had a long good talk. It’s about how’s going on with our life, our families, work and the status of our love life. Okay, we talked most about our love life. He knew from the very beginning who’s the guy I’m dying to be with. But let me correct myself now as I corrected him, I’m referring to my past, the “was” thing. I am not going to mention his name cause you knew him so well. We talked about my struggles and why after two years I did not even get a notch higher, I am stuck to the same level I had with this guy for so long. And I told him I’m tired already. I can’t afford to wait and so I moved on. At first he didn’t believe but mind you I did. I moved on, for the better. Yeah, you normally see us together almost every day like were a couple just like what everybody thought of but hey were just friends. We may act more than friends but nothing intimate. I still care for him but not like before. Feelings change and so people do. I’m that person now. I realized hoping for this guy will not do me any good and that there’s someone out there deserving of my feelings.  Then during the conversation Jensen told me that I have to take a risk because I still lack the experience and that I’m scared to get hurt. You’re right dude. I’m still afraid up until now to get out of my comfort zone because honestly I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t want to happen it again. But I’m not closing doors. And as our conversation continues, I realized were jumping out of different complicated topics. But then I am still not afraid sharing that stuff for I trust you a lot. You talked about Pat, how you see her and how your love story started. The arguments you had with her and your difficulties as a couple. From that time, I felt so proud of you cause you’ve been man enough to face everything without a single hesitation. Maybe others don’t see you in that way but mind you, I do. I think we had this thing that despite our imperfections, stupidity and fears, we don’t blame each other. We just accept and listen. You never scolded me for my mistakes especially the things I did with this guy you know that for you is kinda innocent and inappropriate. You told me the things I lacked of. You told me to do this and do that but deep inside, I don’t know how.  You made me realized what will be the consequences of my actions and now I’m getting the hang of it.  In return, l advised you to be a good guy which I know you are already. I know you will not keep secrets from me. And the same thing goes for me. I just love the conversation we had that time. It made me feel like I had a real friend in you. It’s not that some of my friends do that, I’m just being honest whenever we had this conversation. I don’t normally talked like that when I’m with my other friends cause they still look at me like I’m still their superior when all I want is just to be treated fairly. My OIC days already ended so I hate them when they treated me with so much respect. That sucks. I just want to be equal. And that’s what you showed to me.  I’m going to miss those conversation a lot. When I reached home, I’m still thinking of our conversation.  And what it is that confused me is that when you told me even though you’re with Pat you still don’t see her as your future wife, how could that be possible? You never gave me an explanation. And that you also told me you’ve been fighting temptation for the longest time and you’re surviving, I am proud of you because of that. You’re a good man, always remember that. And what confused me a lot until now is that I when we talked about my ideal guy I am not referring to the guy you’ve known I’m closed with. I am referring to someone else. And I was thinking why I am describing another person wherein fact for the longest time I’ve been in-love with the guy you knew. Then it hit me. I think I am describing you. What the f***? I don’t know what’s happening that time. The way you look at me I was like, “I know you’re drunk but please don’t stare at me that way. This is wrong”. My mind still working that time but I don’t know where this sudden burst of feelings came from. I felt like I am shortly infatuated. This bothered me the entire weekend. I was pushing Nov but reality I’m feeling something. When you told me that this guy and I will look good together and you said a lot of good words about him, I was thinking like why the hell you keep talking about him. If you still remember I told you then, “If this guy will approach me now I’ll tell him I no longer have feelings for him but if some other guy will pay attention I might actually grab it. That time, it’s not him anymore, it’s you. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing. I did wait how you will respond. And you did, you said something like if Pat and I don’t have a thing and then you did not continue. Maybe I gave meaning to it. Okay, I gave a meaning. And I am so sorry. Cause I really find you different compared to the guy I waited for how many years and then up until now nothing happened. I know we had a connection but I think it’s too late to fall for you. I know my place and this is all wrong. But I’m sure I’ll forget this. I just need a diversion. I can’t help but compare you to him. I wish he act and think like how you do. But he never will. Swear. Anyways, am I having a confession now? I guess. But don’t mind it. I wrote this because I want you to be on my blog, don’t worry it’s a private blog. I don’t normally put people in my blog without a certain reason and I welcome you. Sorry for being weird. But I was really hoping that I’ll see you before I leave though it may be impossible. It’s not him anymore, it’s you—an embarrassing statement. Just ignore it. I might do the same thing. J