Feeling Guilty!

Have you ever been in a situation where in you feel so annoyed with someone? After all—you’re friends. You just can’t control the feelings kahit anung gawin mo. All you think is your damn feeling that no matter what you do you can’t get over it. Ganito pala pag nagseselos ka. You ignore the boundaries kahit kaibigan mo pa ang pinagseselosan mo. I just feel so disappointed about myself, sobra. I feel like I’m so miserable and selfish. I had this guilty feeling with my friend. Sabi nila normal lang daw toh. How can this be? I feel so plastic. This is really not the good version of me. I am turning into a green-eyed monster na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ba’t ako nagkakaganito? Because of this one guy. When you like or love someone, you don’t want other people lurking around him getting his attention. You want it all yours. In my case, anyone can get his attention but not this girl. I don’t know. I felt like they have a connection, something different—physically. Okay, were good emotionally and in other aspects but physically, I think I don’t I fit in. I’m small, skinny, round face short haired person with a body of a child. Late-blooomer. I don’t have a height that guys turn their heads on. The waist that guys crave to hold and the body they wanna look at. Seriously, I am losing my self-esteem now. But you know what? Sometimes I really don’t care cause I know I have something they don’t have. Physical appearance is a factor but what’s in the inside that matters. Para ngang nag-aalangan na ko kasi the way I think now, this is something I should not be proud of. Mali mag-isip ng ganito sa ibang tao lalo na pag kaibigan mo pa. I just can’t help it. Ayokong sabihin na may motibo din sya but I’m just a girl and our instincts never go wrong. I am sure of it. The problem with guys, they don’t know how to weigh things out. Very insensitive. Parang gusto ko ng maniwala na may dalawang klase ng babae na hinahanap ang isang lalaki: first is the girl that will satisfy their fantasy and second, the girl that they’ll be proud to introduce to their parents and friends. Ganun daw. My biggest problem now is how to deal with jealousy. Na-overcome ko na toh dati bumalik lang ulit. Ang hirap kasi you try to be yourself sa harap ng taong pinagseselosan mo. I feel guilty about it and I don’t really know how to escape with the feeling or just be normal. Parang lahat nalang ng ginagawa nya you’ve been so observant about it but you see it negatively kasi iniisip mo baka agawin nya yung tao na gusto mo. That’s the real point without thinking na wala naman talagang meaning yung ginagawa nya. She’s just being a friend. I made a promise to myself recently na I’ll get away this thought. I think kaya ko naman. It’s just that may mga days talaga na sablay pa din ako. I’m just human. Sometimes you can’t deal with it and all you have to do is just let it be.  Pero naisip ko din yung tao bang gusto ko worth talaga? Hindi ko pa masagot ang tanong na yan hanggang ngayon kasi overwhelmed pa ko sa feeling na tinatawag nilang “love”. Di ba pag gusto mo ang isang tao kahit may mali na syang gawin tama pa din sa paningin mo? Unfair di ba. Siguro if I learn how to use my mind over heart magiging okay ang lahat. I know it’s gonna be a long process. I hate the feeling of being jealous. I wanna end it. Maybe soon.