Bacio

I never had my first kiss since yesterday.  It happened when I least expect it.  Well, I still remember it up to now. In fact, I can’t get it out of my head.  Even I close my eyes; it’s still the same scene I’m seeing. Maybe, I’m still not over it. Maybe it’s too special. Maybe it’s the other half who kissed me. I really don’t know. We were in a bar along Malate on a Friday night. I was on a vacation leave. I’m with my two officemates. Yeah, I’m with the guys. That was common to me because I normally hang out with boys. I thought this day will be just like the other. We had our own table and we are seating on the left side corner of the bar. The music was not too loud so we can hear each other.  There were group of geek nerdy guys next to us and on the last table they were all gays. We even had a toast with them. I can’t say I’m really drunk this time cause I still know what I’m doing but my body is no longer cooperating. I feel so tired and weak. My mind still at ease but because of too much alcohol my body refused to act normally. That was our last stop. My friends even danced but I remained sitting playing with my Blackberry playbook.  The usual boring version of myself. Then we started drinking, laughing and talking. I don’t know what comes in my mind that I dare one of my friends to get all the numbers of the gays seated near the entrance door. I thought he’ll not do it cause he’ll be shy or he don’t want to be humiliated.  He stood up holding the S4 and when he went back he got all the numbers. I thought he forgot that he’s also about to dare me but he didn’t. He went back ahead of saying that I need to kiss ___. I made it clear that if he’ll be asking me to do the dare just between the three of us. He considered my request. I thought he’ll just be asking me to dance with one of them or just bottoms up. Never see that one coming that he’ll ask me and my other guy friend to kiss in front of him. I contest. I refused cause I thought that’s too much. He also contest saying that what he did was very crazy. One contact number will be fine but getting all their numbers especially that he’s straight is a bit off already. He was just being sport. I started thinking while he’s teasing me. I always had this principle that “I always mean what I say.” I was the one started the dare then backing out after I learned what he’s dare it is such a shame. I realized I really need to do it.  But before we kiss, I drank one glass of Red Horse, they say it’ll give you more confidence and courage. The one I about to have a kiss with was seating beside me. Then after that we faced each other. I was very nervous. It took how many minutes before I decided to kiss him. Well, we kissed. Just a peck of kiss. Ten seconds of kissing. Just our lips kissed together. It’s like our lips were tucked. It’s like the longer version of smack.  No tongues involved for I swear I’m gonna die. Our eyes were both closed. I felt weird that time that when you kiss why you need to close your eyes, to savor the moment? While were kissing, my heart pumped very fast. I really can’t explain the feeling. After ten seconds, we opened our eyes. We just smiled at each other and acted like nothing happens. We decided to go home and rode a taxi. Well, there’s some sort of confession happened inside the taxi. We talked about the dare. The guy I had a kiss with was telling to my friend that he did not expect it either. He was blaming my friend. I was confused why. I asked him. He cried. Now I get it. He had so much respect in me that he never thought he’ll agree doing it. It’s like blaming himself because he knows I just had no choice that time and he still go over it. I told him that it’s okay with me. After all, it’s my fault. He blamed my other friend for coming up with such scheme. He looks pitiful that time. He said sorry. He was apologetic . I explained to him that no one should be blame about it because I did it as well. It was done already. He mentioned that he knew me well that I will not really do it if he just don’t agree or make the move as well. That time, I don’t know what to think. If I should be proud that a guy like him still sees so much value and respect to me that I’m different with the other girls out there or I disappointed him. Seeing him cry, I felt like I wanna collapsed. That time also, I realized he was different from the rest. He maybe flirting with other girls just because it’s the girl doing the flirting and he was a guy. Hard to resist the temptation. But in our case that time, I knew that no matter how drunk I am and I speak some crazy words he’ll never take advantage of the situation. Just because of that dare the two of us was so confused that time. I said sorry and he always mentioned that there’s nothing to feel sorry for. I just hugged him and said that it’s my choice as well. I don’t have any regrets. I even told him you don’t wanna see me kissing other guys I barely knew so it’s good I did it with you. Honestly, that night was very important to me. Leaving the drama, I don’t know what came in my mind why I did it cause there were two things I’m protecting about myself. That was not be kiss without reason and preserving my virginity. It was really a big deal for me. Super big deal cause I want it to be special. And I’m a real conservative as well. After we kissed, I realized that he was my first kiss ever. Awkward to say-but that’s the truth. At age of 27, I got my first kiss on the lips. I just had my first kiss with him. I don’t know but I never had any little feeling of regret. Maybe it really is special that we just don’t see it that way. Whatever! And because I was so talkative already cause I’m drunk I even mentioned to him that he was my first kiss. I think that added more guilt on his part. I don’t know again, I don’t want to assume. Am I getting too paranoid? Cause I wanna know his stand about this. Nothing’s going on with us, were just friends okay. I know everything will be back to normal. After we rest and had a sleep, it’s seems like nothing really happened. We talked about everything happened that night except that part-leaving it to ourselves. I know the three of us wanted to talk about it but we made a promise that night. We respect each other so its better be left unsaid. I know at the back of our mind we all remember it but we just can’t say it especially with everyone. I don’t know if this will change everything. I hope it’s not cause if there’s one person to be blame, it’s really me.