Hello Dubai!

Dati sabi ko hindi ako magwo-work sa ibang bansa. If pupunta man ako that is because I simply would like to travel. Pero hindi ganun ang nangyari, I went here to work. Better opportunities, good compensation and aiming for an improve life. Well, here I am. I live in Al Khail, one of the good place here in Dubai. I am with my cousin. Ang laki ng pasasalamat ko sa kanya kasi without her effort fixing my papers, I may not be here. It's been my two weeks now. Naaalala ko palang, April 26, 2014, that was my flight details. Mixed emotions. Hindi ko talaga ma-describe ang feeling. Sadness will always gonna be there. The night before my flight, I slept with my Mama and Papa. And now, I am missing them so much. Hirap pala ng mawalay. Were like thousand miles away. Thanks to FB and my cellphone dahil kahit paano may communication kami. Pero iba pa din syempre pag kasama mo cla. :( Sobrang na-touch din ako sa ginawa ng mga friends ko and even my supervisors. They went to my place early in the mornng which was exactly the same day of my flight para mag-bonding kami for the last time. After their shift kahit walang tulog, bumyahe sila papuntang Bulacan. Ang layo kaya. Last breakfast namin yun. Pati si Sup Demi at Sup Anne nagpunta din. Nakakataba ng puso ang effort nila. Malalamanmo talaga sa ganitong pagkakataon ang mga taong tinuringkang tunay na kaibigan. Kaya naman nagpapasalamat din ako andyan sila para sa akin. Kumpleto ang barkada. Hindi ko talaga makalimutan yun. Sila Mama at Papa syempre hirap din ang kalooban pero kailanganko magpakatatag para sa kanila. Ang paalaamanan na part talaga ang pinakamahirap. Buti nalang I'm strong. Hanggang sa airport hinatid nila ako. Wehad lunch at Wendy's, took pictures and more kwentuhan. Till the time na magbo-board na ko. Andun pa din sila. Ang hirap ng time na yun. Parang ayoko ng umalis. Nakangiti lang ako pero ang totoo gusto ko ng umiyak. Lalona nung kailangan ko din magpaalam sa kanila. Isa-isa ko silang ni-hug at bineso. Grabe. Hindi ko talaga ma-explain pakiramdam ko that time. Worst feeling ever. Then nag-board na kami. Baggage check and immigration process, lahat naging okay. Sign talaga n ituloy ko lahat ito. Hanggang nakasakayna ko sa eroplane. 40F ang seat ko, malayo kina ate pero okay lang komportable naman ako. 9 hours ang travel, kinaya ko. Idlip, kain at magbasa ng book ang ginawa ko. Hanggang hindi ko namalayan na nasa Dubai na ako. Ate Bhelle picked us up. Papunta sa house nila, I saw Burj Khalifa. It was beautiful. I am impressed on how it was done. Then sa mha sumunod na araw, more on Skype lang. Kahit paano nababawasan pagka-miss ko sa kanila. Now, I'm busy with my new work. Hopefully magtuloy-tuloy na. I am going take care whatever I have right now to make my stay here worth it.

Mr. Q!

Jensen and I had our mini-despedida last Saturday. And I don’t know but I feel like I am confused now. Minus the party, Mr. Q and I had this conversation while everyone’s drinking and singing. We had this moment wherein I felt like when everyone’s busy we had this wall that blocked us from getting distracted.  We had a long good talk. It’s about how’s going on with our life, our families, work and the status of our love life. Okay, we talked most about our love life. He knew from the very beginning who’s the guy I’m dying to be with. But let me correct myself now as I corrected him, I’m referring to my past, the “was” thing. I am not going to mention his name cause you knew him so well. We talked about my struggles and why after two years I did not even get a notch higher, I am stuck to the same level I had with this guy for so long. And I told him I’m tired already. I can’t afford to wait and so I moved on. At first he didn’t believe but mind you I did. I moved on, for the better. Yeah, you normally see us together almost every day like were a couple just like what everybody thought of but hey were just friends. We may act more than friends but nothing intimate. I still care for him but not like before. Feelings change and so people do. I’m that person now. I realized hoping for this guy will not do me any good and that there’s someone out there deserving of my feelings.  Then during the conversation Jensen told me that I have to take a risk because I still lack the experience and that I’m scared to get hurt. You’re right dude. I’m still afraid up until now to get out of my comfort zone because honestly I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t want to happen it again. But I’m not closing doors. And as our conversation continues, I realized were jumping out of different complicated topics. But then I am still not afraid sharing that stuff for I trust you a lot. You talked about Pat, how you see her and how your love story started. The arguments you had with her and your difficulties as a couple. From that time, I felt so proud of you cause you’ve been man enough to face everything without a single hesitation. Maybe others don’t see you in that way but mind you, I do. I think we had this thing that despite our imperfections, stupidity and fears, we don’t blame each other. We just accept and listen. You never scolded me for my mistakes especially the things I did with this guy you know that for you is kinda innocent and inappropriate. You told me the things I lacked of. You told me to do this and do that but deep inside, I don’t know how.  You made me realized what will be the consequences of my actions and now I’m getting the hang of it.  In return, l advised you to be a good guy which I know you are already. I know you will not keep secrets from me. And the same thing goes for me. I just love the conversation we had that time. It made me feel like I had a real friend in you. It’s not that some of my friends do that, I’m just being honest whenever we had this conversation. I don’t normally talked like that when I’m with my other friends cause they still look at me like I’m still their superior when all I want is just to be treated fairly. My OIC days already ended so I hate them when they treated me with so much respect. That sucks. I just want to be equal. And that’s what you showed to me.  I’m going to miss those conversation a lot. When I reached home, I’m still thinking of our conversation.  And what it is that confused me is that when you told me even though you’re with Pat you still don’t see her as your future wife, how could that be possible? You never gave me an explanation. And that you also told me you’ve been fighting temptation for the longest time and you’re surviving, I am proud of you because of that. You’re a good man, always remember that. And what confused me a lot until now is that I when we talked about my ideal guy I am not referring to the guy you’ve known I’m closed with. I am referring to someone else. And I was thinking why I am describing another person wherein fact for the longest time I’ve been in-love with the guy you knew. Then it hit me. I think I am describing you. What the f***? I don’t know what’s happening that time. The way you look at me I was like, “I know you’re drunk but please don’t stare at me that way. This is wrong”. My mind still working that time but I don’t know where this sudden burst of feelings came from. I felt like I am shortly infatuated. This bothered me the entire weekend. I was pushing Nov but reality I’m feeling something. When you told me that this guy and I will look good together and you said a lot of good words about him, I was thinking like why the hell you keep talking about him. If you still remember I told you then, “If this guy will approach me now I’ll tell him I no longer have feelings for him but if some other guy will pay attention I might actually grab it. That time, it’s not him anymore, it’s you. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing. I did wait how you will respond. And you did, you said something like if Pat and I don’t have a thing and then you did not continue. Maybe I gave meaning to it. Okay, I gave a meaning. And I am so sorry. Cause I really find you different compared to the guy I waited for how many years and then up until now nothing happened. I know we had a connection but I think it’s too late to fall for you. I know my place and this is all wrong. But I’m sure I’ll forget this. I just need a diversion. I can’t help but compare you to him. I wish he act and think like how you do. But he never will. Swear. Anyways, am I having a confession now? I guess. But don’t mind it. I wrote this because I want you to be on my blog, don’t worry it’s a private blog. I don’t normally put people in my blog without a certain reason and I welcome you. Sorry for being weird. But I was really hoping that I’ll see you before I leave though it may be impossible. It’s not him anymore, it’s you—an embarrassing statement. Just ignore it. I might do the same thing. J

Despedida!

And the countdown starts now. I just had my despedida last Saturday. Well, Jensen and I celebrated our last day at Aegis. What a coincidence that two of the coolest people from Team Kargador was about to leave to take a new path and take their careers to the next level. I’m happy for Jensen cause he can focus now with his family especially that he has a newborn baby girl. He’ll be a good father I know for sure. We’ve known each other for a quite a while and he’s the only guy I can have good real conversation. I am being me whenever I talk to him and the same goes for him. I am leaving in 5 days. I am going to Dubai with my Ate, hoping that I can get a good job there. It’s time for me to explore and be in control of myself and show what I am capable of doing in terms of my life and work. It was kinda sad.  I am going to miss everyone especially my friends. They’re happy for me and I guess that’s enough for me to know. I am also scared cause I am miles away from everyone and the only thing I can rely of is none other than myself. But I am on the positive side of things now. Trying to eliminate the fears. The despedida party we had was a blast. It was damn crazy. Were all wasted. Thanks to Red Horse Stallion, your 6.8% alcohol content kicked us out and almost made everyone drunk. Head spinning, palpitations, vomiting and we almost can’t walk. That’s the effect of too much alcohol. But still, I love the idea that we all did this. I am very happy. Indeed, true friends will not let you do stupid things alone. I’m still an average drinker so far. My alcohol tolerance is high but last Saturday, I kinda feel tipsy and dizzy.  Videoke time is always the best time. I don’t care if I am out of tune or what, I just love to sing that time and I don’t mind if they like it or not. I drink fast too. And I easily get sober. Dancing was never my forte. But I did try. I swayed, moved my hands and hips and stomped my feet—I guess I don’t look bad that time. A beginner I can say. I had this good conversation with Jensen.  When he was on my team, we do this a lot. He’s the one guy whom I can say anything. I’m always honest with him cause he understands me. He’s a real man for he pays respect to my opinions and tell me if I’m doing things right or I need to change or I’m stupid. We just love talking about our life. And I’m sure I am going to miss it so much. Now I believe that there’s really this one person whom you will never feel so tired and afraid expressing your thoughts, whatever it is whether good or bad and even disappointing.  Though we don’t really talk every day, I feel like we’ve really known each other for such a long time. Oh, I feel blessed. Yesterday was really memorable. It’ll take time before it happen again. All I can say is that I’m having the best time of my life now. 

A's Leaving

Finally, it's confirmed. I'm leaving on the 26th of April. I'm going to Dubai. Supposedly this should happen last year but for special circumstances it was re-scheduled this year. I don't know if I'm prepare. I guess. Well, I should be cause I'm doing this for my family. I'm scared cause I'm going to be miles away from my family and friends but I'm hoping and praying that I'll get use to it. I'll tender my resignation tomorrow. It's kinda sad leaving my company whose been my home for 3 years but better opportunities is on my way now so I have to grab it for it only comes once in a lifetime. I'm counting the days now. Time flies so fast. Soon I'm boarding. 

Breakthrough

I am wondering after reading the book “The Fault In Our Star” yesterday, I am having a breakthrough. This is for real. I guess because of the fact that it made me realize that time is precious. Time is limited. That I only have one life to live. So after that, there were so many things floating in my mind. Almost everything about my life, my work, family and friends. I've been through a lot in the past and I think this is the time to fix my life. Well, I am not a trash and I’m blessed with all the good things happening to me. What I mean is that I need to turn my timetable in a different direction. Something that will not just benefit myself but my loved ones. That book woke me up through the realities of life. I had a blast. Now all my thoughts are packed up waiting to explode. First thing in mind now, arrange my travel to Dubai and make sure it will go smoothly and that I’ll get a good job there. Take note, I just finish editing my CV earlier. I make sure it looks good and honest. Hey, I counted in my hands that I’ve been in the BPO business for almost eight years. I had no regrets about it but it’s about time I find my craft. My first plan when I reach Dubai—find a decent work with a good pay and save. This is all about saving for my future. What else? I am still doing good now in my current work—or should I say excellent. I am still meeting the company’s expectations. But I’ve stayed enough. I have to give it up for the better. I've learned so much, made a lot of friends, got my heart broken, earned averagely and it molded me of who I am now in terms of my knowledge in the BPO industry. But it has to end in a positive mark. And it’ll happen soon. I can say I’m ready to face a new chapter of my life. Then goes my concern for my family. My parents getting older and I have to take full responsibility of them. It’s payback time. I have to give them what they deserve and let them enjoy life in all possible ways. I love them so much that I can’t take seeing them suffering. I've been dumb in my decisions from the past. I've been so numb without recognizing that the clock is ticking and I have to move fast in order to achieve what I want to get. And lastly, my life. I still don’t know what I want in my life but I’m sure I’ll discover it. I hope Dubai lead me the way. I have my full faith on it. I am going to give my best for this one. I’ll sacrifice everything. I don’t care if I’m still single by the time I reach 30. My goal now is to make the most out of it. I wasted so much time being scared of finding what I want and and now no one can stop me. I am not going to put myself inside a box lacking options and merely staring at the four corners of it. I will be free and I will open my arms to new opportunities. I will not let fear conquered my dreams. You know what, I feel brave writing this. I don’t know why. I feel so determined and passionate. I’ll set aside my heart—for real again cause it always get in the way. I’ll have my brains work for me now. Somehow I knew I can do this with God’s guidance. And this starts today. My breakthrough moment will begin.  

Healing!

Finally, I can say I am trying to get over him. After a year, I am moving on-- for real. Acceptance is better. I thought I cannot do it. But when you get tired hoping, wishing and loving without getting any response, healing the broken heart came naturally. I also thought that upon moving on, it does not necessarily mean that you don't need to see or you have to avoid the object of your affection, you can do it to escape everything that you're feeling but in my case, I am surviving every single day even I'm seeing him or even having conversation with him. You'll get used to it. Feelings change and so people do. You'll just realize that in some point you LOVED person and now, YOU'RE DONE. It may sound negative but I guess it's really part of it. The beautiful things you saw on him suddenly vanished and you're now beginning to observe the imperfections and the full details. Yeah, hatred sucks. But you can't help it.  It helps-big time. I am now being honest to myself which I'm not lately. I am still hurting but I know I am on the edge of getting everything in the right place. This thing they called love really made me crazy at one time and now I am seeing the big picture that I am maturing. And most of all-healing. 

The Fault In Our Star; I wanna have my own Augustus Waters!

The Fault In Our Star Movie

Ansel Elgort as Augustus Waters

Shailene Woodley as Hazel Grace Lancaster

I bought the book last week. Or let me correct myself, I asked my friend Poy to reserve the book for me at NBS because seriously, the book sells like hotcakes. It’s nowhere to buy because it was easily wiped off from the bookstore shelves. Then my friend Joey picked it up for me because the place is too far from me to get the book. In short, I made no effort at all to get it. Thanks to my friends. Last week, I am very tempted to read it but I promise myself I’ll read it during my rest days. But I failed. I sneaked on three chapters and finished reading the entire book today. I grabbed my laptop and find myself writing this review. Why? I can’t get over with the story. It is so different and interesting. It made me cry big time especially in every flipped of the pages where Gus was very ill and Hazel made a eulogy for him, the funeral part and also the torn three pages that he sent to Van Houten. I can’t help but savor the moment. I felt like I was part of the story. I love the way the book was written and how it ended. I was waiting for the part where Hazel and Gus will meet afterlife. But I know there’s no sequel.  After all I remember there was one part there where they discuss about it, the heaven, God and a happy life there but I guess it meant to end like that. A sad but inspiring ending. I never thought such love story could exist which makes me think like I want to be like Hazel Grace—minus the cannula, the cancer, the lungs trying to be lungs. Just the girl with the boy haircut with an affection of reading An Imperial Affliction and loving parents. Because I wanna feel like to have someone like Augustus Waters. Honestly, I never experience true love. How was it like, I don’t really have an idea. I fell in love twice but that was it—all one-sided love where I just got hurt in the end. I am even used to it so who cares? But a special love coming from Augustus Waters, I know it’s incredible. I don’t care if he’s amputated—but then minus the osteosarcoma and his death. But again, I used the word “but” again I can’t help it, it will be impossible to happen cause without the struggles and the sickness they had it would not be a unique love story. And again as I repeat, I still wanna be Hazel Grace. Then I realize that love knows no boundaries. If it struck you, it will be a one big roller coaster ride. It’s either you stay on top, you go down or you keep spinning. Then comes a time you may even fall. I won’t even mind falling for someone like Augustus Waters who drives recklessly and can even grant your wish to meet your favorite author. Plus that crooked smile, I’m sure I’ll be head over heels. Going back being Hazel Grace, I know it’s gonna be tough but to experience a love that is so pure and beautiful, it’s worth fighting for. I imagined, when will I have mine? My own Augustus Waters. As if Hazel Grace prayed for him like what I’m doing now. He came in her life unexpectedly. He was Hazel Grace’s miracle and cure during her difficult days fighting cancer. I was wondering where can I meet mine? Hazel Grace met Gus at the Support Group. I concluded maybe he’ll come at the right time. I was obsessed of the idea of my own version of Augustus Waters forgetting the fact of how their story was done. Maybe in my past I met someone like Gus but he’s not just the right guy and there will be a lot of Gus still out there and I just have to wait. What if the waiting will be that long that I get tired? I should not because Hazel Grace never does that. So I was like the ordinary Hazel Grace waiting for my prince charming. Not my type of story. I believe in happy ending s but not the fairytale type of love story. I know it only exists in the movies like this book but I can still have my own plot. Honestly, as of the moment, I am hooked with the book and can’t wait to watch the movie this coming June. I bet I am gonna cry like a baby. I was reading it earlier and I kept on sobbing. I gave John Green a big credit for writing this one of a kind story. I don’t know how his mind works but his story touched my heart and soul. He made me realized to believe in true love even for the shortest time for it was not the length of time that matters most but how you spend it and with whom. Hazel Grace and Augustus maybe together for not that long but their love blossomed in a way like it was a lifetime. They may not say I love you so often in every chapter but whenever they do, you feel as a reader they always mean it. They may not kiss everyday but when they do, it’s magic. They may have sickness that cannot be cured but they believe in forever. They don’t care if one of them will die sooner; they care how they will live each day memorable and filled with love. Though the twist of the story came appalled having Augustus died first, I guess it was still perfectly done. For a guy who made a girl feel like there’s still hope though they both know their life will be over sooner, it is still touching. It was like this. You’re sick. You met a guy.  He looks healthy and hot. You became friends. You like him. He likes you back. You became partners. You had a good time together. You’re still sick. You found out he’s sick too. You consoled each other. You love each other more. The boy needs to die for a purpose of making you live for his memories. Then you live for now. The story ends. And sooner the girl’s life will eventually ends. It may be tragic if we will look at it literally. But how such story can be tragic if the result is true love. There’s still glimpse of reality in the end. After all were all gonna die. But Augustus died with no regrets. He fought hard for the girl he loves. It’s just the circumstances that can be a bit harsh. And I still want an Augustus Waters in my life even for a short moment. Someone who can share to me how lovely the book I was reading. Someone who never stop saying “Okay” though it’s kind of annoying. Someone who will make you feel like you can wish anything and he’ll make a way to grant it. And someone who’s in the edge of dying still had you on his my mind(but I’m not saying that once I met my own Augustus he’ll die also). You’re real hero. How I love the book that I can’t stop thinking about it to the point that I followed Ansel Elgort in Twitter. By the way, he played Gus in this book and he’s a real charm hoping I’ll get even just a greeting from him through Twitter. I think I am having a huge crush on him. Whoa! J