The Fault In Our Star; I wanna have my own Augustus Waters!

The Fault In Our Star Movie

Ansel Elgort as Augustus Waters

Shailene Woodley as Hazel Grace Lancaster

I bought the book last week. Or let me correct myself, I asked my friend Poy to reserve the book for me at NBS because seriously, the book sells like hotcakes. It’s nowhere to buy because it was easily wiped off from the bookstore shelves. Then my friend Joey picked it up for me because the place is too far from me to get the book. In short, I made no effort at all to get it. Thanks to my friends. Last week, I am very tempted to read it but I promise myself I’ll read it during my rest days. But I failed. I sneaked on three chapters and finished reading the entire book today. I grabbed my laptop and find myself writing this review. Why? I can’t get over with the story. It is so different and interesting. It made me cry big time especially in every flipped of the pages where Gus was very ill and Hazel made a eulogy for him, the funeral part and also the torn three pages that he sent to Van Houten. I can’t help but savor the moment. I felt like I was part of the story. I love the way the book was written and how it ended. I was waiting for the part where Hazel and Gus will meet afterlife. But I know there’s no sequel.  After all I remember there was one part there where they discuss about it, the heaven, God and a happy life there but I guess it meant to end like that. A sad but inspiring ending. I never thought such love story could exist which makes me think like I want to be like Hazel Grace—minus the cannula, the cancer, the lungs trying to be lungs. Just the girl with the boy haircut with an affection of reading An Imperial Affliction and loving parents. Because I wanna feel like to have someone like Augustus Waters. Honestly, I never experience true love. How was it like, I don’t really have an idea. I fell in love twice but that was it—all one-sided love where I just got hurt in the end. I am even used to it so who cares? But a special love coming from Augustus Waters, I know it’s incredible. I don’t care if he’s amputated—but then minus the osteosarcoma and his death. But again, I used the word “but” again I can’t help it, it will be impossible to happen cause without the struggles and the sickness they had it would not be a unique love story. And again as I repeat, I still wanna be Hazel Grace. Then I realize that love knows no boundaries. If it struck you, it will be a one big roller coaster ride. It’s either you stay on top, you go down or you keep spinning. Then comes a time you may even fall. I won’t even mind falling for someone like Augustus Waters who drives recklessly and can even grant your wish to meet your favorite author. Plus that crooked smile, I’m sure I’ll be head over heels. Going back being Hazel Grace, I know it’s gonna be tough but to experience a love that is so pure and beautiful, it’s worth fighting for. I imagined, when will I have mine? My own Augustus Waters. As if Hazel Grace prayed for him like what I’m doing now. He came in her life unexpectedly. He was Hazel Grace’s miracle and cure during her difficult days fighting cancer. I was wondering where can I meet mine? Hazel Grace met Gus at the Support Group. I concluded maybe he’ll come at the right time. I was obsessed of the idea of my own version of Augustus Waters forgetting the fact of how their story was done. Maybe in my past I met someone like Gus but he’s not just the right guy and there will be a lot of Gus still out there and I just have to wait. What if the waiting will be that long that I get tired? I should not because Hazel Grace never does that. So I was like the ordinary Hazel Grace waiting for my prince charming. Not my type of story. I believe in happy ending s but not the fairytale type of love story. I know it only exists in the movies like this book but I can still have my own plot. Honestly, as of the moment, I am hooked with the book and can’t wait to watch the movie this coming June. I bet I am gonna cry like a baby. I was reading it earlier and I kept on sobbing. I gave John Green a big credit for writing this one of a kind story. I don’t know how his mind works but his story touched my heart and soul. He made me realized to believe in true love even for the shortest time for it was not the length of time that matters most but how you spend it and with whom. Hazel Grace and Augustus maybe together for not that long but their love blossomed in a way like it was a lifetime. They may not say I love you so often in every chapter but whenever they do, you feel as a reader they always mean it. They may not kiss everyday but when they do, it’s magic. They may have sickness that cannot be cured but they believe in forever. They don’t care if one of them will die sooner; they care how they will live each day memorable and filled with love. Though the twist of the story came appalled having Augustus died first, I guess it was still perfectly done. For a guy who made a girl feel like there’s still hope though they both know their life will be over sooner, it is still touching. It was like this. You’re sick. You met a guy.  He looks healthy and hot. You became friends. You like him. He likes you back. You became partners. You had a good time together. You’re still sick. You found out he’s sick too. You consoled each other. You love each other more. The boy needs to die for a purpose of making you live for his memories. Then you live for now. The story ends. And sooner the girl’s life will eventually ends. It may be tragic if we will look at it literally. But how such story can be tragic if the result is true love. There’s still glimpse of reality in the end. After all were all gonna die. But Augustus died with no regrets. He fought hard for the girl he loves. It’s just the circumstances that can be a bit harsh. And I still want an Augustus Waters in my life even for a short moment. Someone who can share to me how lovely the book I was reading. Someone who never stop saying “Okay” though it’s kind of annoying. Someone who will make you feel like you can wish anything and he’ll make a way to grant it. And someone who’s in the edge of dying still had you on his my mind(but I’m not saying that once I met my own Augustus he’ll die also). You’re real hero. How I love the book that I can’t stop thinking about it to the point that I followed Ansel Elgort in Twitter. By the way, he played Gus in this book and he’s a real charm hoping I’ll get even just a greeting from him through Twitter. I think I am having a huge crush on him. Whoa! J

Feeling Guilty!

Have you ever been in a situation where in you feel so annoyed with someone? After all—you’re friends. You just can’t control the feelings kahit anung gawin mo. All you think is your damn feeling that no matter what you do you can’t get over it. Ganito pala pag nagseselos ka. You ignore the boundaries kahit kaibigan mo pa ang pinagseselosan mo. I just feel so disappointed about myself, sobra. I feel like I’m so miserable and selfish. I had this guilty feeling with my friend. Sabi nila normal lang daw toh. How can this be? I feel so plastic. This is really not the good version of me. I am turning into a green-eyed monster na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ba’t ako nagkakaganito? Because of this one guy. When you like or love someone, you don’t want other people lurking around him getting his attention. You want it all yours. In my case, anyone can get his attention but not this girl. I don’t know. I felt like they have a connection, something different—physically. Okay, were good emotionally and in other aspects but physically, I think I don’t I fit in. I’m small, skinny, round face short haired person with a body of a child. Late-blooomer. I don’t have a height that guys turn their heads on. The waist that guys crave to hold and the body they wanna look at. Seriously, I am losing my self-esteem now. But you know what? Sometimes I really don’t care cause I know I have something they don’t have. Physical appearance is a factor but what’s in the inside that matters. Para ngang nag-aalangan na ko kasi the way I think now, this is something I should not be proud of. Mali mag-isip ng ganito sa ibang tao lalo na pag kaibigan mo pa. I just can’t help it. Ayokong sabihin na may motibo din sya but I’m just a girl and our instincts never go wrong. I am sure of it. The problem with guys, they don’t know how to weigh things out. Very insensitive. Parang gusto ko ng maniwala na may dalawang klase ng babae na hinahanap ang isang lalaki: first is the girl that will satisfy their fantasy and second, the girl that they’ll be proud to introduce to their parents and friends. Ganun daw. My biggest problem now is how to deal with jealousy. Na-overcome ko na toh dati bumalik lang ulit. Ang hirap kasi you try to be yourself sa harap ng taong pinagseselosan mo. I feel guilty about it and I don’t really know how to escape with the feeling or just be normal. Parang lahat nalang ng ginagawa nya you’ve been so observant about it but you see it negatively kasi iniisip mo baka agawin nya yung tao na gusto mo. That’s the real point without thinking na wala naman talagang meaning yung ginagawa nya. She’s just being a friend. I made a promise to myself recently na I’ll get away this thought. I think kaya ko naman. It’s just that may mga days talaga na sablay pa din ako. I’m just human. Sometimes you can’t deal with it and all you have to do is just let it be.  Pero naisip ko din yung tao bang gusto ko worth talaga? Hindi ko pa masagot ang tanong na yan hanggang ngayon kasi overwhelmed pa ko sa feeling na tinatawag nilang “love”. Di ba pag gusto mo ang isang tao kahit may mali na syang gawin tama pa din sa paningin mo? Unfair di ba. Siguro if I learn how to use my mind over heart magiging okay ang lahat. I know it’s gonna be a long process. I hate the feeling of being jealous. I wanna end it. Maybe soon. 

M.O.

One of the hardest things to do—mag-move on. Ang weird mang sabihin pero yan ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Alam naman natin kung bakit dapat gawin ito. Ang dali lang sabihin pero sa totoo lang mahirap gawin. You don’t even know how to start at kung kaya mo bang gawin. You’re trying to question your capability. Ayoko sanang gawin pero I don’t want to wait in vain. Hindi mo nga alam kung may hinihintay ka talaga. I am a risk-taker pero pagdating sa usapang pag-ibig I’m a coward. Gusto ko man tanungin ang taong gusto ko kung gusto ba nya ako hindi ko talaga kaya. First, I am breaking the rule ng pagiging babae cause guys suppose to do that and second, I am deeply afraid of rejection. Ang hirap kayang tanggappin na marinig mo sa kanya na hindi pa sya ready na ang ibig sabihin naman talaga ayaw nya sayo or hindi ka nya trip or friends lang talaga kayo. Mawawalan ka talaga ng pag-asa and all you hope for is sana makalimot ka agad. We have different ways to move on. Pero the difficult part is you’re moving on pero kasama mo pa din parati yung tao na source ng pagmo-move on mo. Ang result wala din. Naisip ko nga minsan why don’t I just tell that guy that I like him. Sabi nga ng kakilala ko sa buhay ng tao walang gray area—yes or no lang. Pag nag-yes sya eh di ayos at pag nag-no naman wala ka talagang magagawa. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Either you win or lose. Gusto ko na talaga mag-move on. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano. Kasi I still have this hope na pwede. Hindi ko pa kasi naririnig sa kanya. Yung hope mo na baka ganun din sya. Wala namang masama mangarap. Kaso tuwing naiisip ko din na sobrang tagal na nito at wala pa din, baka nga were destined to be friends lang. Baka nga hanggang dun nalang. Hindi ko alam kung anu na ang dapat kong isipin. I want freedom. Yung tipong hindi ko muna sya iisipin. Hindi ko muna sya isasama sa mga priorites ko at yung tipong I’ll focus on myself and other important stuff. Kaya lang pag andyan na sya nakakalimutan ko na lahat. I’m back to zero again. Ang hirap pag attached ka na sa tao. Sabi din nila if you want to fully move on isipin mo din daw ang mga pangit na bagay na meron sya. Kaso parang bitter naman kakalabasan ko at tsaka the process is kinda negative. Pag hindi mo naman sya pinansin or nag-iba ka ng routine, obvious naman na may mag-iiba sa akin. At mapapansin nya yun. So ano ba ang dapat? Ang gulo di ba. I think I just wanna get back with my old self. Kasi naman dati simple lang ako. Parang ngayon I am trying too hard to be different para lang mapansin. And I really hate it.I just want to get over this feeling. Hindi ko alam kung kelan at gaano katagal pero ginagawa ko na sya ngayon. Sana mapanindigan ko lang talaga or else parang niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. 

Mama's Birthday!

Isa sa dahilan kung bakit gustong-gusto ko ang month ng January dahil isa sa mga araw nito ay ipinagdiriwang namin ang birthday ni Mama. I am so lucky to have a Mom like her. Maraming taon ang pinalagpas namin at hinayaan lang na lumipas ang araw ng birthday nya na parang normal lang na araw pero this year will be different. We will make it special para maramdaman nya kung gaano sya ka-importante sa amin. Kulang pa ang araw na ito para ipakita ang importansya nya. Kaya naman kahit paano gumawaa kami ng paraan to let her feel that she's loved and appreaciated in so many ways. 

To the best Mom in the world: Happy Birthday Mama! One thing I learned from you is that you always give without expecting anything back. You love us unconditionally. You’re always there when everyone have left. You protect us from everything. You're the best. I thanked GOD for giving you in our life. Thank you Mama for everything. We love you so much.

Year 2014!

It's kinda sad kasi first time kong i-celebrate ang New Year sa office. Every year I'm always with my family kaso I can't control my schedule now kaya naman kailangan nasa office ako sa araw na toh. But I'm super glad I'm with my closest friends. At least kahit paano I can still find time to enjoy this day. Pare-parehas lang kami ng pinagdadaanan kaya okay na din. I started a year having breakfast with them along Libis sa Something Fishy. I don't have plans of creating New Year's Resolution kasi hindi ko naman nasusunod, ayoko na ulit ma-guilty. We went to Padre Pio's church to pray and be thankful for the non-stop blessings. The place is so calm that you'll find it the best place to talk to GOD. I thanked GOD for all the good things na binigay nya sa akin last year. I may have lapses sa buhay especially for last year pero okay lang, ang mahalaga natuto ako and I'm still continuing to live with His presence. Ngayong 2014, I'll try my best to make the most out of it. I am not getting younger. In fact I'll be turning 28 this year, ang bilis ng panahon. I have to focus on my life and my family. Ang love--isasantabi ko muna. I need to make good decisions and be stronger to everyday's challenges. 

My first plate for year 2014, hindi na ko magtitira everytime kakain ako. :)

watched "Pagpag" with Joey and Poy

Breakfast time at Something Fishy

Jollibee bonding after shift

The Gizmo Fun Run

I’ve never been a fan of walking, much more running. I did join few marathons when I was in Victory where we had this Race for Life marathon. That was a 10k run that I survived. But I never saw this one coming--joining again a marathon. This time it was a 3k run. Yeah, it’s still 3k. Poy, Nawol and I decided to register in the Superbook Gizmo Fun Run held yesterday at The Fort. I was very excited and at the same time nervous cause I don’t know if I can finish the run. I just thought I did the 10k run before and I finished it what more this 3k run. I had a sleepover again at Poy’ s house since the assembly time will start 4:30am and I live in Bulacan so I need to stay at his place to be able to make it. At the day of the run, I was happy with the shirt were wearing, looks like were real runners. We had our new running shoes. We never forget to take pictures as a souvenir. The venue was filled mostly with kids. It was like a family event. I love seeing families engaging in this type of activity cause you’ll see how bonded they are. Before the run, we followed some warm-up procedures. Then the run started. In the beginning I felt a bit tired already but after getting used to it, I guess I did just fine. We finished the 3k run with sweats running around our body because Mr. Sunshine is already on set. We took sips of water to hydrate then decided to have a good breakfast at Banapple with our friends who came by—Rogan and Eric. This was a sporty day I could say. I am looking forward to another event like this. But hey before I forgot, I saw one of my celebrity crush in this event—Benjamin Alves, a newcomer in GMA. Though I saw him from far apart I knew he’s looking pretty cute. J

Two Words Six Letters

I hate the fact that I’m giving up now. It’s barely in my mind for the longest time but I guess I have to do it. So I can spend more time for myself and the on the people around me. This is not really the real version of me but sometimes you need to change, for the better. Last December 8, 2013, I realized I have to end this crazy feeling I had for someone. I don’t know how to call him. I don’t want to put his name here because hacking is very easy. Let’s put a pseudo name. Let’s call him Mr. Hug. Why such name? That would be a secret unless he read about this and figure it out. I doubt cause he don’t even know he’s doing it. I had this feeling for Mr. Hug for a long time. I am a good actress cause I knew how to act in front of him normally. I should not use the word normal cause it’s really not. I guess I just have to pretend.  I don’t know when and how I started liking him. I just felt it. And it never stops. The feelings grew stronger and stronger every single day not until today I decided to cut it. Because I can’t tolerate it anymore. Who wants to look stupid? No one. This has been a decision I made so I can focus on myself.  Lately, this feeling began to scrutinize me. So I decided to let go. One of the most difficult thing a person will do for the sake of being free again from getting hurt. It’s kinda hurt letting go but if it’s for your own good then I have to do it. Love makes the world go round but what if love also makes your world doomed, then you really have to stop. In this case, I am doing it for I want to feel free again. From crying, wallowing and the non-stop feeling of getting jealous whenever you see him with someone. I know it’s gonna be ten times hard on my part but I can do it. I know in my heart I’ll get over him. I don’t believe in the saying that there’s really one guy you can’t get over it. I know we’ll get over it not right away but slowly. It’s always gonna be a long process. But eventually it’ll end. As for now, I think I’m surviving. There may be days I find it awkward that I would like to go back on my old self liking him but there’s also part of me dictating that I have to mean what I say. That is to stop. It’s killing me but I have to find my own remedy. I guess I’m gonna be fine when my hair grows back. So what’s these two words six letters I am trying to say---move on.