Feeling Guilty!

Have you ever been in a situation where in you feel so annoyed with someone? After all—you’re friends. You just can’t control the feelings kahit anung gawin mo. All you think is your damn feeling that no matter what you do you can’t get over it. Ganito pala pag nagseselos ka. You ignore the boundaries kahit kaibigan mo pa ang pinagseselosan mo. I just feel so disappointed about myself, sobra. I feel like I’m so miserable and selfish. I had this guilty feeling with my friend. Sabi nila normal lang daw toh. How can this be? I feel so plastic. This is really not the good version of me. I am turning into a green-eyed monster na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ba’t ako nagkakaganito? Because of this one guy. When you like or love someone, you don’t want other people lurking around him getting his attention. You want it all yours. In my case, anyone can get his attention but not this girl. I don’t know. I felt like they have a connection, something different—physically. Okay, were good emotionally and in other aspects but physically, I think I don’t I fit in. I’m small, skinny, round face short haired person with a body of a child. Late-blooomer. I don’t have a height that guys turn their heads on. The waist that guys crave to hold and the body they wanna look at. Seriously, I am losing my self-esteem now. But you know what? Sometimes I really don’t care cause I know I have something they don’t have. Physical appearance is a factor but what’s in the inside that matters. Para ngang nag-aalangan na ko kasi the way I think now, this is something I should not be proud of. Mali mag-isip ng ganito sa ibang tao lalo na pag kaibigan mo pa. I just can’t help it. Ayokong sabihin na may motibo din sya but I’m just a girl and our instincts never go wrong. I am sure of it. The problem with guys, they don’t know how to weigh things out. Very insensitive. Parang gusto ko ng maniwala na may dalawang klase ng babae na hinahanap ang isang lalaki: first is the girl that will satisfy their fantasy and second, the girl that they’ll be proud to introduce to their parents and friends. Ganun daw. My biggest problem now is how to deal with jealousy. Na-overcome ko na toh dati bumalik lang ulit. Ang hirap kasi you try to be yourself sa harap ng taong pinagseselosan mo. I feel guilty about it and I don’t really know how to escape with the feeling or just be normal. Parang lahat nalang ng ginagawa nya you’ve been so observant about it but you see it negatively kasi iniisip mo baka agawin nya yung tao na gusto mo. That’s the real point without thinking na wala naman talagang meaning yung ginagawa nya. She’s just being a friend. I made a promise to myself recently na I’ll get away this thought. I think kaya ko naman. It’s just that may mga days talaga na sablay pa din ako. I’m just human. Sometimes you can’t deal with it and all you have to do is just let it be.  Pero naisip ko din yung tao bang gusto ko worth talaga? Hindi ko pa masagot ang tanong na yan hanggang ngayon kasi overwhelmed pa ko sa feeling na tinatawag nilang “love”. Di ba pag gusto mo ang isang tao kahit may mali na syang gawin tama pa din sa paningin mo? Unfair di ba. Siguro if I learn how to use my mind over heart magiging okay ang lahat. I know it’s gonna be a long process. I hate the feeling of being jealous. I wanna end it. Maybe soon. 

M.O.

One of the hardest things to do—mag-move on. Ang weird mang sabihin pero yan ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Alam naman natin kung bakit dapat gawin ito. Ang dali lang sabihin pero sa totoo lang mahirap gawin. You don’t even know how to start at kung kaya mo bang gawin. You’re trying to question your capability. Ayoko sanang gawin pero I don’t want to wait in vain. Hindi mo nga alam kung may hinihintay ka talaga. I am a risk-taker pero pagdating sa usapang pag-ibig I’m a coward. Gusto ko man tanungin ang taong gusto ko kung gusto ba nya ako hindi ko talaga kaya. First, I am breaking the rule ng pagiging babae cause guys suppose to do that and second, I am deeply afraid of rejection. Ang hirap kayang tanggappin na marinig mo sa kanya na hindi pa sya ready na ang ibig sabihin naman talaga ayaw nya sayo or hindi ka nya trip or friends lang talaga kayo. Mawawalan ka talaga ng pag-asa and all you hope for is sana makalimot ka agad. We have different ways to move on. Pero the difficult part is you’re moving on pero kasama mo pa din parati yung tao na source ng pagmo-move on mo. Ang result wala din. Naisip ko nga minsan why don’t I just tell that guy that I like him. Sabi nga ng kakilala ko sa buhay ng tao walang gray area—yes or no lang. Pag nag-yes sya eh di ayos at pag nag-no naman wala ka talagang magagawa. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Either you win or lose. Gusto ko na talaga mag-move on. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano. Kasi I still have this hope na pwede. Hindi ko pa kasi naririnig sa kanya. Yung hope mo na baka ganun din sya. Wala namang masama mangarap. Kaso tuwing naiisip ko din na sobrang tagal na nito at wala pa din, baka nga were destined to be friends lang. Baka nga hanggang dun nalang. Hindi ko alam kung anu na ang dapat kong isipin. I want freedom. Yung tipong hindi ko muna sya iisipin. Hindi ko muna sya isasama sa mga priorites ko at yung tipong I’ll focus on myself and other important stuff. Kaya lang pag andyan na sya nakakalimutan ko na lahat. I’m back to zero again. Ang hirap pag attached ka na sa tao. Sabi din nila if you want to fully move on isipin mo din daw ang mga pangit na bagay na meron sya. Kaso parang bitter naman kakalabasan ko at tsaka the process is kinda negative. Pag hindi mo naman sya pinansin or nag-iba ka ng routine, obvious naman na may mag-iiba sa akin. At mapapansin nya yun. So ano ba ang dapat? Ang gulo di ba. I think I just wanna get back with my old self. Kasi naman dati simple lang ako. Parang ngayon I am trying too hard to be different para lang mapansin. And I really hate it.I just want to get over this feeling. Hindi ko alam kung kelan at gaano katagal pero ginagawa ko na sya ngayon. Sana mapanindigan ko lang talaga or else parang niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. 

Mama's Birthday!

Isa sa dahilan kung bakit gustong-gusto ko ang month ng January dahil isa sa mga araw nito ay ipinagdiriwang namin ang birthday ni Mama. I am so lucky to have a Mom like her. Maraming taon ang pinalagpas namin at hinayaan lang na lumipas ang araw ng birthday nya na parang normal lang na araw pero this year will be different. We will make it special para maramdaman nya kung gaano sya ka-importante sa amin. Kulang pa ang araw na ito para ipakita ang importansya nya. Kaya naman kahit paano gumawaa kami ng paraan to let her feel that she's loved and appreaciated in so many ways. 

To the best Mom in the world: Happy Birthday Mama! One thing I learned from you is that you always give without expecting anything back. You love us unconditionally. You’re always there when everyone have left. You protect us from everything. You're the best. I thanked GOD for giving you in our life. Thank you Mama for everything. We love you so much.

Year 2014!

It's kinda sad kasi first time kong i-celebrate ang New Year sa office. Every year I'm always with my family kaso I can't control my schedule now kaya naman kailangan nasa office ako sa araw na toh. But I'm super glad I'm with my closest friends. At least kahit paano I can still find time to enjoy this day. Pare-parehas lang kami ng pinagdadaanan kaya okay na din. I started a year having breakfast with them along Libis sa Something Fishy. I don't have plans of creating New Year's Resolution kasi hindi ko naman nasusunod, ayoko na ulit ma-guilty. We went to Padre Pio's church to pray and be thankful for the non-stop blessings. The place is so calm that you'll find it the best place to talk to GOD. I thanked GOD for all the good things na binigay nya sa akin last year. I may have lapses sa buhay especially for last year pero okay lang, ang mahalaga natuto ako and I'm still continuing to live with His presence. Ngayong 2014, I'll try my best to make the most out of it. I am not getting younger. In fact I'll be turning 28 this year, ang bilis ng panahon. I have to focus on my life and my family. Ang love--isasantabi ko muna. I need to make good decisions and be stronger to everyday's challenges. 

My first plate for year 2014, hindi na ko magtitira everytime kakain ako. :)

watched "Pagpag" with Joey and Poy

Breakfast time at Something Fishy

Jollibee bonding after shift

The Gizmo Fun Run

I’ve never been a fan of walking, much more running. I did join few marathons when I was in Victory where we had this Race for Life marathon. That was a 10k run that I survived. But I never saw this one coming--joining again a marathon. This time it was a 3k run. Yeah, it’s still 3k. Poy, Nawol and I decided to register in the Superbook Gizmo Fun Run held yesterday at The Fort. I was very excited and at the same time nervous cause I don’t know if I can finish the run. I just thought I did the 10k run before and I finished it what more this 3k run. I had a sleepover again at Poy’ s house since the assembly time will start 4:30am and I live in Bulacan so I need to stay at his place to be able to make it. At the day of the run, I was happy with the shirt were wearing, looks like were real runners. We had our new running shoes. We never forget to take pictures as a souvenir. The venue was filled mostly with kids. It was like a family event. I love seeing families engaging in this type of activity cause you’ll see how bonded they are. Before the run, we followed some warm-up procedures. Then the run started. In the beginning I felt a bit tired already but after getting used to it, I guess I did just fine. We finished the 3k run with sweats running around our body because Mr. Sunshine is already on set. We took sips of water to hydrate then decided to have a good breakfast at Banapple with our friends who came by—Rogan and Eric. This was a sporty day I could say. I am looking forward to another event like this. But hey before I forgot, I saw one of my celebrity crush in this event—Benjamin Alves, a newcomer in GMA. Though I saw him from far apart I knew he’s looking pretty cute. J

Two Words Six Letters

I hate the fact that I’m giving up now. It’s barely in my mind for the longest time but I guess I have to do it. So I can spend more time for myself and the on the people around me. This is not really the real version of me but sometimes you need to change, for the better. Last December 8, 2013, I realized I have to end this crazy feeling I had for someone. I don’t know how to call him. I don’t want to put his name here because hacking is very easy. Let’s put a pseudo name. Let’s call him Mr. Hug. Why such name? That would be a secret unless he read about this and figure it out. I doubt cause he don’t even know he’s doing it. I had this feeling for Mr. Hug for a long time. I am a good actress cause I knew how to act in front of him normally. I should not use the word normal cause it’s really not. I guess I just have to pretend.  I don’t know when and how I started liking him. I just felt it. And it never stops. The feelings grew stronger and stronger every single day not until today I decided to cut it. Because I can’t tolerate it anymore. Who wants to look stupid? No one. This has been a decision I made so I can focus on myself.  Lately, this feeling began to scrutinize me. So I decided to let go. One of the most difficult thing a person will do for the sake of being free again from getting hurt. It’s kinda hurt letting go but if it’s for your own good then I have to do it. Love makes the world go round but what if love also makes your world doomed, then you really have to stop. In this case, I am doing it for I want to feel free again. From crying, wallowing and the non-stop feeling of getting jealous whenever you see him with someone. I know it’s gonna be ten times hard on my part but I can do it. I know in my heart I’ll get over him. I don’t believe in the saying that there’s really one guy you can’t get over it. I know we’ll get over it not right away but slowly. It’s always gonna be a long process. But eventually it’ll end. As for now, I think I’m surviving. There may be days I find it awkward that I would like to go back on my old self liking him but there’s also part of me dictating that I have to mean what I say. That is to stop. It’s killing me but I have to find my own remedy. I guess I’m gonna be fine when my hair grows back. So what’s these two words six letters I am trying to say---move on. 

Year End!

Last December 7, 2013 a cool Saturday evening, we just had our company’s year-end party. The venue was in One Esplanade located near MOA. I was very hesitant to attend this party because for my 3 years stay in Aegis, I never attend any party organized by the company. Why? Well, I am ot just in the mood. I am not into wearing party dresses, putting make-up on and walking in heels. Not just my forte after all. I live a very simple life, mainly shirts, jeans and flats, I’m okay with it. Plus the fact that I am not into crowded places. I am not a people person. I lack confidence in front of many people. But since it’s mandatory, I don’t have any choice. I am thankful I’m with my circle of friends. I guess I’m good with it. We met at Nawol’s house. Nawol’s family has been very kind to us ever since the very beginning. We love her family so much.  But let me rewind from the previous week. We are all busy preparing for the party. My first ever party at work. We raid each malls looking for a dress, accessories and shoes. I got mine at People are People for P499, not bad. It was a black tube dress. It was kinda big for my size but thanks to Mo cause she did d a good job repairing it. It turned out exactly what I wanted. Last time I wore a dress was when I attended my Kuya’s gig at Ortigas way back year 2012 and then followed by this day. I told you I am not a big fan of dresses. I made some sort of recycling with my shoes and accessories. I got my black gladiator pumps and the necklace gave my Ate. That worked well with the dress. The rest of my friends, they also have their own moments. During the party, we all had our own transformation, something you don’t witness on a daily basis. We looked pretty, elegant, sophisticated and different. Of course, were all shocked with the result but on a positive way. The boys had their own shining moments as well. They looked handsome and gorgeous. Minus the mafia look and the suspender thing. We ate, talked and took a lot of pictures. It was a blast not after the party ended. We argued on where place to go after the party. We all had our different opinions. We clashed. We felt cold to each other. We were quiet. We lost confidence. Were all in a bad mood. Our feet took us to Padi’s. The mood changed. We drank all night. We danced and forget about the arguments we had. Our friendship is so bonded that we don’t let little misunderstandings get in our way. Yeah, we may have our different views on certain things but we managed to overcome it. How? By living on what we have. By accepting each other’s flaws. There’s no perfect friendship. It’s the imperfections that made us stronger, bonded and well-loved.  That night I am also about to take one of the biggest risk I could possibly do in my life. At first I know I can do it but as the negative mood surrounded the place, it killed y confidence. So I kept hanging in. Until now. I guess it’s not the perfect timing. But I was a bit sad cause that would break my long years of waiting and speculating. Anyways, when we got back to Nawol’s place, we rewinded the things that happened that night. It was mixed emotions. And that untold story in Malate, I am thankful it remained as a secret. Not to the three of us but there’s one addition. You know who you are. It’ll come out in perfect time. And we’ll just laugh about it for it’s done already. I am not a bit ready now. Off to another year end party for 2014? Let’s see. :)