Smile:)

Today, I caught myself smiling for some reason. Say I'm crazy but I've been like this for the past few days. Drama mode is really done. Though there were imperfect moments that requires me to frown, I still have this smile in my face. Last time I experienced it was during the time I've met Matteo and we spent one whole day together in Dare Duo. That was two years ago. Ang tagal na. And then came this moment again wherein you don't care about who sees you, nakaupo ka lang then suddenly mare-realize mo nakangiti ka na. I know it's kinda weird pero sabi nila pag napapangiti ka ng ganyan, it really comes from the heart. Syempre hindi naman ako ngingiti lang na walang dahilan. Meron yan. But of course, I won't go any further on the reason. We all have our own reason why we can't erase the smile in our faces. Ang happy ng feeling. Nasa fx nga ako kahapon and I was listening to Haley Reinhart's song entitled "Undone" which is a sad song but I'm smiling. See, kahit anung negativity doesn't affect me either. I just don't want this smile to end. I wanna have it forever kasi ang sarap talaga sa pakiramdam. Kung anu man o sino man yung reason behind this smile, I am praying na andyan lang sya. I've been doomed for the last three weeks because of a lot of changes pero I can't afford na ipagpalit yung nararamdaman ko now. It was so real. It was like there's this particular scene in your mind that even you play it over and over again you'll never get tired of it. This may end pero wag muna ngayon. I'm loving every angle of it. I never had this real smile for so long and I really miss it. Minsan mukha ka ng tanga pero naka-smile ka pa din. And pag mag-isa ka nalang, ayun mas nafi-feel mo na ngumiti sabay lagay ng kamay sa baba. Oh no! Smile fever:)

Bacio

I never had my first kiss since yesterday.  It happened when I least expect it.  Well, I still remember it up to now. In fact, I can’t get it out of my head.  Even I close my eyes; it’s still the same scene I’m seeing. Maybe, I’m still not over it. Maybe it’s too special. Maybe it’s the other half who kissed me. I really don’t know. We were in a bar along Malate on a Friday night. I was on a vacation leave. I’m with my two officemates. Yeah, I’m with the guys. That was common to me because I normally hang out with boys. I thought this day will be just like the other. We had our own table and we are seating on the left side corner of the bar. The music was not too loud so we can hear each other.  There were group of geek nerdy guys next to us and on the last table they were all gays. We even had a toast with them. I can’t say I’m really drunk this time cause I still know what I’m doing but my body is no longer cooperating. I feel so tired and weak. My mind still at ease but because of too much alcohol my body refused to act normally. That was our last stop. My friends even danced but I remained sitting playing with my Blackberry playbook.  The usual boring version of myself. Then we started drinking, laughing and talking. I don’t know what comes in my mind that I dare one of my friends to get all the numbers of the gays seated near the entrance door. I thought he’ll not do it cause he’ll be shy or he don’t want to be humiliated.  He stood up holding the S4 and when he went back he got all the numbers. I thought he forgot that he’s also about to dare me but he didn’t. He went back ahead of saying that I need to kiss ___. I made it clear that if he’ll be asking me to do the dare just between the three of us. He considered my request. I thought he’ll just be asking me to dance with one of them or just bottoms up. Never see that one coming that he’ll ask me and my other guy friend to kiss in front of him. I contest. I refused cause I thought that’s too much. He also contest saying that what he did was very crazy. One contact number will be fine but getting all their numbers especially that he’s straight is a bit off already. He was just being sport. I started thinking while he’s teasing me. I always had this principle that “I always mean what I say.” I was the one started the dare then backing out after I learned what he’s dare it is such a shame. I realized I really need to do it.  But before we kiss, I drank one glass of Red Horse, they say it’ll give you more confidence and courage. The one I about to have a kiss with was seating beside me. Then after that we faced each other. I was very nervous. It took how many minutes before I decided to kiss him. Well, we kissed. Just a peck of kiss. Ten seconds of kissing. Just our lips kissed together. It’s like our lips were tucked. It’s like the longer version of smack.  No tongues involved for I swear I’m gonna die. Our eyes were both closed. I felt weird that time that when you kiss why you need to close your eyes, to savor the moment? While were kissing, my heart pumped very fast. I really can’t explain the feeling. After ten seconds, we opened our eyes. We just smiled at each other and acted like nothing happens. We decided to go home and rode a taxi. Well, there’s some sort of confession happened inside the taxi. We talked about the dare. The guy I had a kiss with was telling to my friend that he did not expect it either. He was blaming my friend. I was confused why. I asked him. He cried. Now I get it. He had so much respect in me that he never thought he’ll agree doing it. It’s like blaming himself because he knows I just had no choice that time and he still go over it. I told him that it’s okay with me. After all, it’s my fault. He blamed my other friend for coming up with such scheme. He looks pitiful that time. He said sorry. He was apologetic . I explained to him that no one should be blame about it because I did it as well. It was done already. He mentioned that he knew me well that I will not really do it if he just don’t agree or make the move as well. That time, I don’t know what to think. If I should be proud that a guy like him still sees so much value and respect to me that I’m different with the other girls out there or I disappointed him. Seeing him cry, I felt like I wanna collapsed. That time also, I realized he was different from the rest. He maybe flirting with other girls just because it’s the girl doing the flirting and he was a guy. Hard to resist the temptation. But in our case that time, I knew that no matter how drunk I am and I speak some crazy words he’ll never take advantage of the situation. Just because of that dare the two of us was so confused that time. I said sorry and he always mentioned that there’s nothing to feel sorry for. I just hugged him and said that it’s my choice as well. I don’t have any regrets. I even told him you don’t wanna see me kissing other guys I barely knew so it’s good I did it with you. Honestly, that night was very important to me. Leaving the drama, I don’t know what came in my mind why I did it cause there were two things I’m protecting about myself. That was not be kiss without reason and preserving my virginity. It was really a big deal for me. Super big deal cause I want it to be special. And I’m a real conservative as well. After we kissed, I realized that he was my first kiss ever. Awkward to say-but that’s the truth. At age of 27, I got my first kiss on the lips. I just had my first kiss with him. I don’t know but I never had any little feeling of regret. Maybe it really is special that we just don’t see it that way. Whatever! And because I was so talkative already cause I’m drunk I even mentioned to him that he was my first kiss. I think that added more guilt on his part. I don’t know again, I don’t want to assume. Am I getting too paranoid? Cause I wanna know his stand about this. Nothing’s going on with us, were just friends okay. I know everything will be back to normal. After we rest and had a sleep, it’s seems like nothing really happened. We talked about everything happened that night except that part-leaving it to ourselves. I know the three of us wanted to talk about it but we made a promise that night. We respect each other so its better be left unsaid. I know at the back of our mind we all remember it but we just can’t say it especially with everyone. I don’t know if this will change everything. I hope it’s not cause if there’s one person to be blame, it’s really me. 

My Own Version of Hang-Over!

Last Friday, I was on a vacation leave. At first we decided to apply, look for a new job. I'm with Poy, Rogan and Paul that time. I left the house at 8am and arrived at the office around 930am. I got hired but I'm not that happy cause we made a promise that my friends and I should be working in one company when we resign. That's kinda hard but I know it's impossible. We spent the whole day with only one company. Not a waste cause that's how our life gonna look like when you need to find a new job. One company equals one whole day. Then were done around 5pm. Poy needs to go to the office because he needs to go to work. We strolled around Megamall first, take a sip of Zagu and decided to go to Baywalk. The travel is so tiring. I hate riding the MRT wherein you need to push yourself hard just to get inside. It's like working out. We arrived at the Baywalk past 7pm. We ate at Shakey's cause I've been craving for pizza that day. Then the walk started. We had a long walk last Friday finding a good place. Here's where the Hang-Over started, at least this was what I remember:

1. We walked for more than an hour finding a karaoke bar and have a few drinks. We are in a "tipid" mode so medyo nahirapan. There were lights all over the place and we knew naman what it means. We saw this place wherein there's no karaoke pero there were loads of foreigners playing billiards. The place is calm so we decided chill muna kami on our first shot. We ordered one bucket and had a good talk. I drank two bottles of Red Horse that time. I got a bit tipsy pero nawalan din agad. We had conversations we rarely talk about when we a re in a group. Sa bagay, were adult na naman.

2. Whenever we crossed the streets, parating may 7-Eleven or Mini Stop sa bawat gilid. We don't have pictures kasi lowbat na yung S4. When we charged it, 3 minutes lang yung nadagdag so nonsense din. So we made a promise na everything na gagawin namin for that night we'll just be filmed in our mind.

3. Our second stop, at the Myst. It was like the Metrowalk version ng baywalk kaso most of the partygoers were students. We went inside this bar na may loud music, spotlights, bouncers and teenagers. Feeling namin kami lang yung matanda dun. Pero dedma, we started dancing. Well. hindi talaga dance yung parang going with the music lang and then another bucket of Red Horse. Hindi namin namalayan ang bilis naming uminom. Party kung party talaga ang peg dito. Muntik pa nga akong makaaway kasi in front of our table, a gay approached me asking if "anu daw ba problema ko?". I don't know ba't nya nasabi yun pero kalma lang ako.  Then enjoy ulit.

4. Medyo tipsy na ko after naming pumunta sa The Myst. We had a walk ulit finding our third destination kaso wala kamio makita so we go back sa Myst kaso pasara na sila. We went inside dun sa katabi lang. I forgot the name. See, nagsisimula na ko ditong mabaliw. Another bucket of Red Horse ulit. Medyo chill lang ang ambiance ng place na toh. For drinking and having good conversation lang talaga. May music pero not that loud. Then may dancer din na kamukha ni Haley ng Paramore. Rogan and Paul danced with her. Then nagkaroon ng fight sa labas. Everyone got curios so we checked it out. May nag-tear gas pa nga so we all coughed.

5. Nakaka-isang bottle palang ako sa 3rd bar na pinuntahn namin parang hilo na ako. My mind's still working but my body parang refused to cooperate na. Nagkwentuhan lang kami. We also had a chat with the guys from the next table and had a toast as well. Then out of the blue, I dared Paul na if makukuha nya yung number nung mga "gay" on the third table, he can ask me to do a dare as well. Pero sabi ko I don't want the dare to be outside the group. I thought hindi nya gagawin pero nakuha nya yung contacts.

6. We made some dares that better be left unspoken. I was shocked din sa mga ginawa ko. Lumabas yung other version of me pag nalalasing ako. Ang weird nga eh tapos nakakahiya.

7. Inside the taxi, may dramahan moment, emo kaming tatlo. I felt so dizzy na kailangan mag-drive thru cause I need to pee. Hindi na ko makatayo ang Rogan accompanied me hanggang labas ng CR and waited for me as well.  Basag ako sa taxi. Nakasandal kay Rogan at kung anu-anu ang sinasabi. 

8. Pagdating sa bahay nila Rogan, inaalalayan pa din nya ko hanggang sa kwarto. Wala knocked out na talaga. Pag-gising ko andun na sila Poy at Pacete, hindi ko namalayan na dumating na pala sila. Nung nahimasmasan, we talked about everything happened that night. 

Medyo mild pa ang version ng hang-over ko but then this was the very first time I got knocked out. Pagdating tulog agad ako. Pag-gising ko Rogan was sleeping din together with Poy and Pacete. We talked about everything that happened. Were just laughing. Weird. 

ATP

I am a product of ATP. In the call center business, it stands for"account transfer program". There were instances that the company will remove you from the account for certain reasons and they'll put you through ATP. I hated this word last Monday because one of my closest friend and my seatmate was given the request to go on ATP. The reason? Let me keep it private cause I respect my friend a lot and I owe him.

Sometimes we made choices in our life. Whether it has something to do with work, family or friends. Not because we did something unacceptable, we consider ourselves bad. Sometimes we tend to do it because everyone needs it. It is a must that time. But of course, we know that wrong choices always had consequences. Why I'm telling this? Because that's what happen to my friend. He did something not because he wanted to but because the team needs it. In fact, he's not being selfish that time. Yes, he was caught. He admitted it. He's aware of it. He learned his lesson. That not makes him a loser. Well, he's a person who knows the responsibility of his actions. Sometimes when you sacrifice something, you'll get the odd result or even the other side of it. I miss my friend already. Seeing the vacant seat beside me saddens me. The talks we normally had before the start of the shift and he's my lunch mate as well. We've been through a lot. I just hope he can come back. But I know, it's impossible. Well, were still in the same company. I'm sure we'll still see each other once in a while.  :(

Stop Whining!

So it's the end of my drama week. After all the crazy thoughts, teary-eyed appearance and out of my mind gestures, I'm better now. It really takes a week for me to get over this nasty feeling. I don't wanna feel this anymore. I hate it when you can't smile. No matter how everyone described their day as happy and cool, you still feel empty and hopeless. Nah...I don't want to experience it anymore. I guess the word "distance" contributed a lot. Plus my days of hibernating and just staying in my room, wallowing, watching "emo' movies and listening to heartbreaking songs also helps. My "me time". I know it's a bad idea to whine about those stuff, but I that helps me recover from the bad mood I had last week because of the unexpected things I've read and experienced. I'm glad it's over now. I can't say it will not happen again but I think I'm more ready now. It's like I'm having my midlife crisis where you can't figure out what you want and you feel so useless that you want to yell and burst out into tears. I can't really explain what I feel that time. Unpredictable. I now believe that everyone will reach a point in their life where they don't know what to do. You feel so messed up that you want to locked yourself on your room and stop breathing. I'm glad I can smile now. When I read my previous tweets, it is a reflection of a dumb girl who hated life for a week. But I learned my lesson now. See, I can put smiley faces in my tweets now. It's not bad to whine, it helps you get back in track and realize that everyday is a battle. You just have to make good choices. You also have to be wise in choosing the people you want to enter your life. Not all of them leaves a good mark, but no regrets, they help you for who become now. I also realized that in love, you really can't choose whom you love. No matter how you like/love the person, if he don't feel the same thing, it's nonsense. So, better enjoy life. Who knows the right one might just be around the corner waiting for the perfect moment. During the days that I feel so crazy, I'm glad I still have my family beside me. It's so comforting. And of course GOD, having conversation with him and venting out my feelings is very helpful. :)

Absolute Boyfriend

After "To The Beautiful You" which is a Korean Drama Series, I finished another one this week. A Taiwanese drama entitled "Absolute Boyfriend" starring Goo Hye Sun and Jiro Wang. Grabe hindi ko nakilala yung bidang lalaki dito kasi sya pala yung guy sa "It Started With A Kiss", yung ka-rival ng bida dun. He was so young then. Pero sa series na toh, ang laki ng pinagbago nya. Very hunk and mature. Gorgeous syempre. The plot of the story is very unique. Who would ever fall in love with a robot? Well, it's only Xiao Fei (Goo Hye Sun). With her fears of becoming single all throughout her life, she ordered this robot perfectly designed to be her boyfriend. It was Night (Jiro Wang). It was a secret all along. They seemed to be a good pair. Night was designed to do all the things that would make Xiao Fei happy. A perfect couple. Hmmm..san kaya makakabili ng katulad ni Night? Then of course, Zong Shi, Xiao Fei's neighbor who also liked her discovered it and the story gets more complicated. Since Night is a robot, he malfunctioned during a fight with Kronos Heaven's second male robot. From that day on, they knew they can't fix Night. Xiao Fei knew this and make sure that she'll treasure every moment with Night. They even decided to get married. However, it was the night before their wedding that Night knew himself that it was his last day. They were in front of the altar practicing their vows when Night stop functioning. Everyone thought it was the end not until early in the morning they found out Night still have 10 seconds to live. Xiao Fei confessed her love. Night tears fell down then slowly as the machine counts from one to ten, Night reminisced all his happy moments with Xiao Fei. Then that was the real end. Who knows someone can put up a good ending? Kinda sad and tragic. But I guess love knows no boundaries, whether you're a robot or a plain human being, all is fair in love. I cried while watching the ending. I can't help it. But it was a nice drama. I enjoyed watching it. :)

Overlooking The Signs!

You only realize that you're making a mistake when you're hurt already. That's fine with me cause I tolerated it. Why? Because that time I'm happy. I just ignored it. But then you will find out that everything has an end. Every feelings has its limitations. It's not always happy. Sometimes just because you're with the person you like almost everyday you think that things are going well, you'll be both fine. Hindi mo na naisip na ginagawa lang nya yung role nya sayo as a friend. That's it. You thought there's something magical going on, but hey girl, we don't live in a world of fantasy na gugustuhin ka ng taong gusto mo. Welcome to reality wherein it goes the other way around. In short, asa ka pa. Wake up! Sabi nga nila, minsan wag lang puso ang pairalin pagdating sa pag-ibig. Use your brain din. We tend to be overwhelmed with our feelings that we lose our value. Leaving nothing for ourselves. Ang dami ng signs but then we never pay attention to it. Ang bitter pakinggan diba? Pero if we just consider the signs, kahit konti na-save natin ang sarili natin for falling too hard. Dumb. Ba't ko toh nasabi? Cause I've felt and experienced it on my own. Nung una palang malabo na but I still pursue the feelings. Then you found out you're the only one left in the situation kasi the other person don't really care at all. Yung tipong gusto mong sumigaw. Yeah because you're stupid and second, hindi ka na natuto. Eto pa nga yung mga signs na nakita mo pero hindi mo pinansin: 

-- He don't text you at all. Or should I say ite-text ka lang nya pag may concern sya about sa work. Di ba pag gusto ka ng isang tao kahit magkaiba kayo ng line, he'll make an effort magkausap lang kayo. In this case, no effort at all. Hindi pa magrereply unless super importante.

-- You're sick for how many days and never even care to ask if you're feeling well na ba. Kahit na "plastik mode" lang sana to ask you if you already take your medicines, wala talaga. Very frustrating kung iisipin. 

-- Uuwi ka ng gabi coming from somewhere and he don't care if may sasakyan ka pa ba pauwi. If safe ba yung sasakyan mo and when you get home, wala pa ding text to check if nakauwi ka ng maayos. You'll know nalang na ang sarap pala ng tulog nya that night. 

-- Pag may babaeng nagfi-flirt sa kanya, he just let it kahit kaharap ka. Sa bagay wala naman syang dapat i-explain sayo pero grabe kahit konting respeto lang naman sana. You've been teased as an item kaya discreet naman. Naiintindihan ko na ayaw mong ipahiya sila pero they tend to abuse you na. Minsan naiisip ko na gusto mo din kasi baka you're just like one of them. 

-- Hindi mo man lang na-appreciate ang mga effort na nagawa sayo. You always take it as it is not knowing that someone did it for you to be appreciated. I don't know if you're just being numb.

-- He is very insensitive. He only thinks of himself and what would benefit him. Sometimes you tend to sacrifice things and wala lang sa kanya. 

-- When people tease you, he don't say a word. He left you hanging. Mukha ka tuloy tanga.

-- He is childish and immature. 

Ang dami pang reasons. I guess I'm really stupid enough not to notice it. Sometimes when you fall in love puro good things lang ang nakikita mo. I've learned na you have to balance everything. Hindi puro kilig lang. You always have to look at the other side of it which we often neglect. Siguro kaya madaming nsasaktan cause we all get blinded. You really need to spare something for yourself so that if the time comes, it'll not be hard for you to pick up the pieces. Yes we'll be broken but that's part of it. You just have to be wiser the next time around.