V.V

When I arrived here in Dubai, I don't really have any idea of what my life will be. I just have faith. Let me tell you that when I went here, I was on VV. Well, visit visa. How it works? You will be given at least 30 days to find a work so you can earn your employment visa and be legal working in this country. Time pressure, seems like the clock is always ticking that you need to mark out your calendar to count how many days left before it expire. Some were lucky to easily find a job, some were not. I belong to the lucky ones. Not that I am trying to be boastful about it. I can say, I worked hard just to get a job. I was sitting in front of the computer the entire day wondering which site I can visit to submit my CV. There's quite a number of websites where you can attach your CV but only few will call you for an interview. That was based on my experience. I submitted my CV for like 2o0 different companies a day and did not receive any call. I roamed around different places, got lost, made a mistake in riding the Metro and simply wandering around. On my first week, it was damn difficult. I searched every web and called each number just to arrange an interview but most of them were quite full or if not already hired someone. And I never lose hope. I kept on checking various sites everyday. Take note, my clothes were still on my bag. No time to arrange it. I was fully concentrated to have a job. I asked some of the friends I have here. My cousin uses her connections. Inquire other Filipinos working here. I was fortunate the luck is at my side. My cousin's friend referred me to the comapny where she's working. The name of the company is Ahdab International Luxury Transport. The business evolves around renting cars and chauffeur service. I got the job. I was hired. The feeling is so unexplainable. Not really fulfiiled but somehow okay. Nothing comes easy. I still have days where I find it hard to understand everything. Hey, I don't know about cars. As the day passes by, I am getting used to it. I am learning. Till I was appointed as a desk supervisor at Grand Hyatt Hotel. What a privilege working inside a five-star hotel. And my journey continues. 

Unexplainable Hug

I had this weird feeling when I left Pinas. Kasi naman nung magpapaalam na ko sa mga friends ko, I hugged them one by one. Like the rest of them, I made beso din with everyone. But the thing is, I felt something different kaya naman kahit nasa plane na ko tI was thinking about it. I am experiencing atelophobia again, short for overthinking or overanalyzing stuff. Kaya ko nasabi yan kasi lahat ng hi-nug ko everything was normal. But one person made it different. When I hugged and made beso with him, he pushed me. Yung tipong gusto ka nyang yakapin ng mahigpit kaso baka nahiya lang sya. Nung niyakap ko sya I felt like he don't wanna let go. I felt something that time. Sadness. Cause I know he's sad knowing that we will not see each other anymore. Tama lang talaga na tawagin ko syang Mr. Hug. What I don't understand is that pinipigilan pa nya. Maybe he was scared. But I'm happy because everyday were communicating. He never failed to send a message. He always make an effort para kamustahin ako. And for that, I feel so very importany. It's just that I don't know hanggang kelan. Sana lang hindi sya mapagod. Hindi sya magsawa. For now, mag-enjoy nalang muna siguro ako and be thankful kasi andyan pa din sya despite of the distance. :)

Hello Dubai!

Dati sabi ko hindi ako magwo-work sa ibang bansa. If pupunta man ako that is because I simply would like to travel. Pero hindi ganun ang nangyari, I went here to work. Better opportunities, good compensation and aiming for an improve life. Well, here I am. I live in Al Khail, one of the good place here in Dubai. I am with my cousin. Ang laki ng pasasalamat ko sa kanya kasi without her effort fixing my papers, I may not be here. It's been my two weeks now. Naaalala ko palang, April 26, 2014, that was my flight details. Mixed emotions. Hindi ko talaga ma-describe ang feeling. Sadness will always gonna be there. The night before my flight, I slept with my Mama and Papa. And now, I am missing them so much. Hirap pala ng mawalay. Were like thousand miles away. Thanks to FB and my cellphone dahil kahit paano may communication kami. Pero iba pa din syempre pag kasama mo cla. :( Sobrang na-touch din ako sa ginawa ng mga friends ko and even my supervisors. They went to my place early in the mornng which was exactly the same day of my flight para mag-bonding kami for the last time. After their shift kahit walang tulog, bumyahe sila papuntang Bulacan. Ang layo kaya. Last breakfast namin yun. Pati si Sup Demi at Sup Anne nagpunta din. Nakakataba ng puso ang effort nila. Malalamanmo talaga sa ganitong pagkakataon ang mga taong tinuringkang tunay na kaibigan. Kaya naman nagpapasalamat din ako andyan sila para sa akin. Kumpleto ang barkada. Hindi ko talaga makalimutan yun. Sila Mama at Papa syempre hirap din ang kalooban pero kailanganko magpakatatag para sa kanila. Ang paalaamanan na part talaga ang pinakamahirap. Buti nalang I'm strong. Hanggang sa airport hinatid nila ako. Wehad lunch at Wendy's, took pictures and more kwentuhan. Till the time na magbo-board na ko. Andun pa din sila. Ang hirap ng time na yun. Parang ayoko ng umalis. Nakangiti lang ako pero ang totoo gusto ko ng umiyak. Lalona nung kailangan ko din magpaalam sa kanila. Isa-isa ko silang ni-hug at bineso. Grabe. Hindi ko talaga ma-explain pakiramdam ko that time. Worst feeling ever. Then nag-board na kami. Baggage check and immigration process, lahat naging okay. Sign talaga n ituloy ko lahat ito. Hanggang nakasakayna ko sa eroplane. 40F ang seat ko, malayo kina ate pero okay lang komportable naman ako. 9 hours ang travel, kinaya ko. Idlip, kain at magbasa ng book ang ginawa ko. Hanggang hindi ko namalayan na nasa Dubai na ako. Ate Bhelle picked us up. Papunta sa house nila, I saw Burj Khalifa. It was beautiful. I am impressed on how it was done. Then sa mha sumunod na araw, more on Skype lang. Kahit paano nababawasan pagka-miss ko sa kanila. Now, I'm busy with my new work. Hopefully magtuloy-tuloy na. I am going take care whatever I have right now to make my stay here worth it.

Mr. Q!

Jensen and I had our mini-despedida last Saturday. And I don’t know but I feel like I am confused now. Minus the party, Mr. Q and I had this conversation while everyone’s drinking and singing. We had this moment wherein I felt like when everyone’s busy we had this wall that blocked us from getting distracted.  We had a long good talk. It’s about how’s going on with our life, our families, work and the status of our love life. Okay, we talked most about our love life. He knew from the very beginning who’s the guy I’m dying to be with. But let me correct myself now as I corrected him, I’m referring to my past, the “was” thing. I am not going to mention his name cause you knew him so well. We talked about my struggles and why after two years I did not even get a notch higher, I am stuck to the same level I had with this guy for so long. And I told him I’m tired already. I can’t afford to wait and so I moved on. At first he didn’t believe but mind you I did. I moved on, for the better. Yeah, you normally see us together almost every day like were a couple just like what everybody thought of but hey were just friends. We may act more than friends but nothing intimate. I still care for him but not like before. Feelings change and so people do. I’m that person now. I realized hoping for this guy will not do me any good and that there’s someone out there deserving of my feelings.  Then during the conversation Jensen told me that I have to take a risk because I still lack the experience and that I’m scared to get hurt. You’re right dude. I’m still afraid up until now to get out of my comfort zone because honestly I’ve been hurt in the past and I don’t want to happen it again. But I’m not closing doors. And as our conversation continues, I realized were jumping out of different complicated topics. But then I am still not afraid sharing that stuff for I trust you a lot. You talked about Pat, how you see her and how your love story started. The arguments you had with her and your difficulties as a couple. From that time, I felt so proud of you cause you’ve been man enough to face everything without a single hesitation. Maybe others don’t see you in that way but mind you, I do. I think we had this thing that despite our imperfections, stupidity and fears, we don’t blame each other. We just accept and listen. You never scolded me for my mistakes especially the things I did with this guy you know that for you is kinda innocent and inappropriate. You told me the things I lacked of. You told me to do this and do that but deep inside, I don’t know how.  You made me realized what will be the consequences of my actions and now I’m getting the hang of it.  In return, l advised you to be a good guy which I know you are already. I know you will not keep secrets from me. And the same thing goes for me. I just love the conversation we had that time. It made me feel like I had a real friend in you. It’s not that some of my friends do that, I’m just being honest whenever we had this conversation. I don’t normally talked like that when I’m with my other friends cause they still look at me like I’m still their superior when all I want is just to be treated fairly. My OIC days already ended so I hate them when they treated me with so much respect. That sucks. I just want to be equal. And that’s what you showed to me.  I’m going to miss those conversation a lot. When I reached home, I’m still thinking of our conversation.  And what it is that confused me is that when you told me even though you’re with Pat you still don’t see her as your future wife, how could that be possible? You never gave me an explanation. And that you also told me you’ve been fighting temptation for the longest time and you’re surviving, I am proud of you because of that. You’re a good man, always remember that. And what confused me a lot until now is that I when we talked about my ideal guy I am not referring to the guy you’ve known I’m closed with. I am referring to someone else. And I was thinking why I am describing another person wherein fact for the longest time I’ve been in-love with the guy you knew. Then it hit me. I think I am describing you. What the f***? I don’t know what’s happening that time. The way you look at me I was like, “I know you’re drunk but please don’t stare at me that way. This is wrong”. My mind still working that time but I don’t know where this sudden burst of feelings came from. I felt like I am shortly infatuated. This bothered me the entire weekend. I was pushing Nov but reality I’m feeling something. When you told me that this guy and I will look good together and you said a lot of good words about him, I was thinking like why the hell you keep talking about him. If you still remember I told you then, “If this guy will approach me now I’ll tell him I no longer have feelings for him but if some other guy will pay attention I might actually grab it. That time, it’s not him anymore, it’s you. Oh gosh this is so embarrassing. I did wait how you will respond. And you did, you said something like if Pat and I don’t have a thing and then you did not continue. Maybe I gave meaning to it. Okay, I gave a meaning. And I am so sorry. Cause I really find you different compared to the guy I waited for how many years and then up until now nothing happened. I know we had a connection but I think it’s too late to fall for you. I know my place and this is all wrong. But I’m sure I’ll forget this. I just need a diversion. I can’t help but compare you to him. I wish he act and think like how you do. But he never will. Swear. Anyways, am I having a confession now? I guess. But don’t mind it. I wrote this because I want you to be on my blog, don’t worry it’s a private blog. I don’t normally put people in my blog without a certain reason and I welcome you. Sorry for being weird. But I was really hoping that I’ll see you before I leave though it may be impossible. It’s not him anymore, it’s you—an embarrassing statement. Just ignore it. I might do the same thing. J

Despedida!

And the countdown starts now. I just had my despedida last Saturday. Well, Jensen and I celebrated our last day at Aegis. What a coincidence that two of the coolest people from Team Kargador was about to leave to take a new path and take their careers to the next level. I’m happy for Jensen cause he can focus now with his family especially that he has a newborn baby girl. He’ll be a good father I know for sure. We’ve known each other for a quite a while and he’s the only guy I can have good real conversation. I am being me whenever I talk to him and the same goes for him. I am leaving in 5 days. I am going to Dubai with my Ate, hoping that I can get a good job there. It’s time for me to explore and be in control of myself and show what I am capable of doing in terms of my life and work. It was kinda sad.  I am going to miss everyone especially my friends. They’re happy for me and I guess that’s enough for me to know. I am also scared cause I am miles away from everyone and the only thing I can rely of is none other than myself. But I am on the positive side of things now. Trying to eliminate the fears. The despedida party we had was a blast. It was damn crazy. Were all wasted. Thanks to Red Horse Stallion, your 6.8% alcohol content kicked us out and almost made everyone drunk. Head spinning, palpitations, vomiting and we almost can’t walk. That’s the effect of too much alcohol. But still, I love the idea that we all did this. I am very happy. Indeed, true friends will not let you do stupid things alone. I’m still an average drinker so far. My alcohol tolerance is high but last Saturday, I kinda feel tipsy and dizzy.  Videoke time is always the best time. I don’t care if I am out of tune or what, I just love to sing that time and I don’t mind if they like it or not. I drink fast too. And I easily get sober. Dancing was never my forte. But I did try. I swayed, moved my hands and hips and stomped my feet—I guess I don’t look bad that time. A beginner I can say. I had this good conversation with Jensen.  When he was on my team, we do this a lot. He’s the one guy whom I can say anything. I’m always honest with him cause he understands me. He’s a real man for he pays respect to my opinions and tell me if I’m doing things right or I need to change or I’m stupid. We just love talking about our life. And I’m sure I am going to miss it so much. Now I believe that there’s really this one person whom you will never feel so tired and afraid expressing your thoughts, whatever it is whether good or bad and even disappointing.  Though we don’t really talk every day, I feel like we’ve really known each other for such a long time. Oh, I feel blessed. Yesterday was really memorable. It’ll take time before it happen again. All I can say is that I’m having the best time of my life now. 

A's Leaving

Finally, it's confirmed. I'm leaving on the 26th of April. I'm going to Dubai. Supposedly this should happen last year but for special circumstances it was re-scheduled this year. I don't know if I'm prepare. I guess. Well, I should be cause I'm doing this for my family. I'm scared cause I'm going to be miles away from my family and friends but I'm hoping and praying that I'll get use to it. I'll tender my resignation tomorrow. It's kinda sad leaving my company whose been my home for 3 years but better opportunities is on my way now so I have to grab it for it only comes once in a lifetime. I'm counting the days now. Time flies so fast. Soon I'm boarding. 

Breakthrough

I am wondering after reading the book “The Fault In Our Star” yesterday, I am having a breakthrough. This is for real. I guess because of the fact that it made me realize that time is precious. Time is limited. That I only have one life to live. So after that, there were so many things floating in my mind. Almost everything about my life, my work, family and friends. I've been through a lot in the past and I think this is the time to fix my life. Well, I am not a trash and I’m blessed with all the good things happening to me. What I mean is that I need to turn my timetable in a different direction. Something that will not just benefit myself but my loved ones. That book woke me up through the realities of life. I had a blast. Now all my thoughts are packed up waiting to explode. First thing in mind now, arrange my travel to Dubai and make sure it will go smoothly and that I’ll get a good job there. Take note, I just finish editing my CV earlier. I make sure it looks good and honest. Hey, I counted in my hands that I’ve been in the BPO business for almost eight years. I had no regrets about it but it’s about time I find my craft. My first plan when I reach Dubai—find a decent work with a good pay and save. This is all about saving for my future. What else? I am still doing good now in my current work—or should I say excellent. I am still meeting the company’s expectations. But I’ve stayed enough. I have to give it up for the better. I've learned so much, made a lot of friends, got my heart broken, earned averagely and it molded me of who I am now in terms of my knowledge in the BPO industry. But it has to end in a positive mark. And it’ll happen soon. I can say I’m ready to face a new chapter of my life. Then goes my concern for my family. My parents getting older and I have to take full responsibility of them. It’s payback time. I have to give them what they deserve and let them enjoy life in all possible ways. I love them so much that I can’t take seeing them suffering. I've been dumb in my decisions from the past. I've been so numb without recognizing that the clock is ticking and I have to move fast in order to achieve what I want to get. And lastly, my life. I still don’t know what I want in my life but I’m sure I’ll discover it. I hope Dubai lead me the way. I have my full faith on it. I am going to give my best for this one. I’ll sacrifice everything. I don’t care if I’m still single by the time I reach 30. My goal now is to make the most out of it. I wasted so much time being scared of finding what I want and and now no one can stop me. I am not going to put myself inside a box lacking options and merely staring at the four corners of it. I will be free and I will open my arms to new opportunities. I will not let fear conquered my dreams. You know what, I feel brave writing this. I don’t know why. I feel so determined and passionate. I’ll set aside my heart—for real again cause it always get in the way. I’ll have my brains work for me now. Somehow I knew I can do this with God’s guidance. And this starts today. My breakthrough moment will begin.  

Healing!

Finally, I can say I am trying to get over him. After a year, I am moving on-- for real. Acceptance is better. I thought I cannot do it. But when you get tired hoping, wishing and loving without getting any response, healing the broken heart came naturally. I also thought that upon moving on, it does not necessarily mean that you don't need to see or you have to avoid the object of your affection, you can do it to escape everything that you're feeling but in my case, I am surviving every single day even I'm seeing him or even having conversation with him. You'll get used to it. Feelings change and so people do. You'll just realize that in some point you LOVED person and now, YOU'RE DONE. It may sound negative but I guess it's really part of it. The beautiful things you saw on him suddenly vanished and you're now beginning to observe the imperfections and the full details. Yeah, hatred sucks. But you can't help it.  It helps-big time. I am now being honest to myself which I'm not lately. I am still hurting but I know I am on the edge of getting everything in the right place. This thing they called love really made me crazy at one time and now I am seeing the big picture that I am maturing. And most of all-healing. 

The Fault In Our Star; I wanna have my own Augustus Waters!

The Fault In Our Star Movie

Ansel Elgort as Augustus Waters

Shailene Woodley as Hazel Grace Lancaster

I bought the book last week. Or let me correct myself, I asked my friend Poy to reserve the book for me at NBS because seriously, the book sells like hotcakes. It’s nowhere to buy because it was easily wiped off from the bookstore shelves. Then my friend Joey picked it up for me because the place is too far from me to get the book. In short, I made no effort at all to get it. Thanks to my friends. Last week, I am very tempted to read it but I promise myself I’ll read it during my rest days. But I failed. I sneaked on three chapters and finished reading the entire book today. I grabbed my laptop and find myself writing this review. Why? I can’t get over with the story. It is so different and interesting. It made me cry big time especially in every flipped of the pages where Gus was very ill and Hazel made a eulogy for him, the funeral part and also the torn three pages that he sent to Van Houten. I can’t help but savor the moment. I felt like I was part of the story. I love the way the book was written and how it ended. I was waiting for the part where Hazel and Gus will meet afterlife. But I know there’s no sequel.  After all I remember there was one part there where they discuss about it, the heaven, God and a happy life there but I guess it meant to end like that. A sad but inspiring ending. I never thought such love story could exist which makes me think like I want to be like Hazel Grace—minus the cannula, the cancer, the lungs trying to be lungs. Just the girl with the boy haircut with an affection of reading An Imperial Affliction and loving parents. Because I wanna feel like to have someone like Augustus Waters. Honestly, I never experience true love. How was it like, I don’t really have an idea. I fell in love twice but that was it—all one-sided love where I just got hurt in the end. I am even used to it so who cares? But a special love coming from Augustus Waters, I know it’s incredible. I don’t care if he’s amputated—but then minus the osteosarcoma and his death. But again, I used the word “but” again I can’t help it, it will be impossible to happen cause without the struggles and the sickness they had it would not be a unique love story. And again as I repeat, I still wanna be Hazel Grace. Then I realize that love knows no boundaries. If it struck you, it will be a one big roller coaster ride. It’s either you stay on top, you go down or you keep spinning. Then comes a time you may even fall. I won’t even mind falling for someone like Augustus Waters who drives recklessly and can even grant your wish to meet your favorite author. Plus that crooked smile, I’m sure I’ll be head over heels. Going back being Hazel Grace, I know it’s gonna be tough but to experience a love that is so pure and beautiful, it’s worth fighting for. I imagined, when will I have mine? My own Augustus Waters. As if Hazel Grace prayed for him like what I’m doing now. He came in her life unexpectedly. He was Hazel Grace’s miracle and cure during her difficult days fighting cancer. I was wondering where can I meet mine? Hazel Grace met Gus at the Support Group. I concluded maybe he’ll come at the right time. I was obsessed of the idea of my own version of Augustus Waters forgetting the fact of how their story was done. Maybe in my past I met someone like Gus but he’s not just the right guy and there will be a lot of Gus still out there and I just have to wait. What if the waiting will be that long that I get tired? I should not because Hazel Grace never does that. So I was like the ordinary Hazel Grace waiting for my prince charming. Not my type of story. I believe in happy ending s but not the fairytale type of love story. I know it only exists in the movies like this book but I can still have my own plot. Honestly, as of the moment, I am hooked with the book and can’t wait to watch the movie this coming June. I bet I am gonna cry like a baby. I was reading it earlier and I kept on sobbing. I gave John Green a big credit for writing this one of a kind story. I don’t know how his mind works but his story touched my heart and soul. He made me realized to believe in true love even for the shortest time for it was not the length of time that matters most but how you spend it and with whom. Hazel Grace and Augustus maybe together for not that long but their love blossomed in a way like it was a lifetime. They may not say I love you so often in every chapter but whenever they do, you feel as a reader they always mean it. They may not kiss everyday but when they do, it’s magic. They may have sickness that cannot be cured but they believe in forever. They don’t care if one of them will die sooner; they care how they will live each day memorable and filled with love. Though the twist of the story came appalled having Augustus died first, I guess it was still perfectly done. For a guy who made a girl feel like there’s still hope though they both know their life will be over sooner, it is still touching. It was like this. You’re sick. You met a guy.  He looks healthy and hot. You became friends. You like him. He likes you back. You became partners. You had a good time together. You’re still sick. You found out he’s sick too. You consoled each other. You love each other more. The boy needs to die for a purpose of making you live for his memories. Then you live for now. The story ends. And sooner the girl’s life will eventually ends. It may be tragic if we will look at it literally. But how such story can be tragic if the result is true love. There’s still glimpse of reality in the end. After all were all gonna die. But Augustus died with no regrets. He fought hard for the girl he loves. It’s just the circumstances that can be a bit harsh. And I still want an Augustus Waters in my life even for a short moment. Someone who can share to me how lovely the book I was reading. Someone who never stop saying “Okay” though it’s kind of annoying. Someone who will make you feel like you can wish anything and he’ll make a way to grant it. And someone who’s in the edge of dying still had you on his my mind(but I’m not saying that once I met my own Augustus he’ll die also). You’re real hero. How I love the book that I can’t stop thinking about it to the point that I followed Ansel Elgort in Twitter. By the way, he played Gus in this book and he’s a real charm hoping I’ll get even just a greeting from him through Twitter. I think I am having a huge crush on him. Whoa! J

Feeling Guilty!

Have you ever been in a situation where in you feel so annoyed with someone? After all—you’re friends. You just can’t control the feelings kahit anung gawin mo. All you think is your damn feeling that no matter what you do you can’t get over it. Ganito pala pag nagseselos ka. You ignore the boundaries kahit kaibigan mo pa ang pinagseselosan mo. I just feel so disappointed about myself, sobra. I feel like I’m so miserable and selfish. I had this guilty feeling with my friend. Sabi nila normal lang daw toh. How can this be? I feel so plastic. This is really not the good version of me. I am turning into a green-eyed monster na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ba’t ako nagkakaganito? Because of this one guy. When you like or love someone, you don’t want other people lurking around him getting his attention. You want it all yours. In my case, anyone can get his attention but not this girl. I don’t know. I felt like they have a connection, something different—physically. Okay, were good emotionally and in other aspects but physically, I think I don’t I fit in. I’m small, skinny, round face short haired person with a body of a child. Late-blooomer. I don’t have a height that guys turn their heads on. The waist that guys crave to hold and the body they wanna look at. Seriously, I am losing my self-esteem now. But you know what? Sometimes I really don’t care cause I know I have something they don’t have. Physical appearance is a factor but what’s in the inside that matters. Para ngang nag-aalangan na ko kasi the way I think now, this is something I should not be proud of. Mali mag-isip ng ganito sa ibang tao lalo na pag kaibigan mo pa. I just can’t help it. Ayokong sabihin na may motibo din sya but I’m just a girl and our instincts never go wrong. I am sure of it. The problem with guys, they don’t know how to weigh things out. Very insensitive. Parang gusto ko ng maniwala na may dalawang klase ng babae na hinahanap ang isang lalaki: first is the girl that will satisfy their fantasy and second, the girl that they’ll be proud to introduce to their parents and friends. Ganun daw. My biggest problem now is how to deal with jealousy. Na-overcome ko na toh dati bumalik lang ulit. Ang hirap kasi you try to be yourself sa harap ng taong pinagseselosan mo. I feel guilty about it and I don’t really know how to escape with the feeling or just be normal. Parang lahat nalang ng ginagawa nya you’ve been so observant about it but you see it negatively kasi iniisip mo baka agawin nya yung tao na gusto mo. That’s the real point without thinking na wala naman talagang meaning yung ginagawa nya. She’s just being a friend. I made a promise to myself recently na I’ll get away this thought. I think kaya ko naman. It’s just that may mga days talaga na sablay pa din ako. I’m just human. Sometimes you can’t deal with it and all you have to do is just let it be.  Pero naisip ko din yung tao bang gusto ko worth talaga? Hindi ko pa masagot ang tanong na yan hanggang ngayon kasi overwhelmed pa ko sa feeling na tinatawag nilang “love”. Di ba pag gusto mo ang isang tao kahit may mali na syang gawin tama pa din sa paningin mo? Unfair di ba. Siguro if I learn how to use my mind over heart magiging okay ang lahat. I know it’s gonna be a long process. I hate the feeling of being jealous. I wanna end it. Maybe soon. 

M.O.

One of the hardest things to do—mag-move on. Ang weird mang sabihin pero yan ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Alam naman natin kung bakit dapat gawin ito. Ang dali lang sabihin pero sa totoo lang mahirap gawin. You don’t even know how to start at kung kaya mo bang gawin. You’re trying to question your capability. Ayoko sanang gawin pero I don’t want to wait in vain. Hindi mo nga alam kung may hinihintay ka talaga. I am a risk-taker pero pagdating sa usapang pag-ibig I’m a coward. Gusto ko man tanungin ang taong gusto ko kung gusto ba nya ako hindi ko talaga kaya. First, I am breaking the rule ng pagiging babae cause guys suppose to do that and second, I am deeply afraid of rejection. Ang hirap kayang tanggappin na marinig mo sa kanya na hindi pa sya ready na ang ibig sabihin naman talaga ayaw nya sayo or hindi ka nya trip or friends lang talaga kayo. Mawawalan ka talaga ng pag-asa and all you hope for is sana makalimot ka agad. We have different ways to move on. Pero the difficult part is you’re moving on pero kasama mo pa din parati yung tao na source ng pagmo-move on mo. Ang result wala din. Naisip ko nga minsan why don’t I just tell that guy that I like him. Sabi nga ng kakilala ko sa buhay ng tao walang gray area—yes or no lang. Pag nag-yes sya eh di ayos at pag nag-no naman wala ka talagang magagawa. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Either you win or lose. Gusto ko na talaga mag-move on. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano. Kasi I still have this hope na pwede. Hindi ko pa kasi naririnig sa kanya. Yung hope mo na baka ganun din sya. Wala namang masama mangarap. Kaso tuwing naiisip ko din na sobrang tagal na nito at wala pa din, baka nga were destined to be friends lang. Baka nga hanggang dun nalang. Hindi ko alam kung anu na ang dapat kong isipin. I want freedom. Yung tipong hindi ko muna sya iisipin. Hindi ko muna sya isasama sa mga priorites ko at yung tipong I’ll focus on myself and other important stuff. Kaya lang pag andyan na sya nakakalimutan ko na lahat. I’m back to zero again. Ang hirap pag attached ka na sa tao. Sabi din nila if you want to fully move on isipin mo din daw ang mga pangit na bagay na meron sya. Kaso parang bitter naman kakalabasan ko at tsaka the process is kinda negative. Pag hindi mo naman sya pinansin or nag-iba ka ng routine, obvious naman na may mag-iiba sa akin. At mapapansin nya yun. So ano ba ang dapat? Ang gulo di ba. I think I just wanna get back with my old self. Kasi naman dati simple lang ako. Parang ngayon I am trying too hard to be different para lang mapansin. And I really hate it.I just want to get over this feeling. Hindi ko alam kung kelan at gaano katagal pero ginagawa ko na sya ngayon. Sana mapanindigan ko lang talaga or else parang niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. 

Mama's Birthday!

Isa sa dahilan kung bakit gustong-gusto ko ang month ng January dahil isa sa mga araw nito ay ipinagdiriwang namin ang birthday ni Mama. I am so lucky to have a Mom like her. Maraming taon ang pinalagpas namin at hinayaan lang na lumipas ang araw ng birthday nya na parang normal lang na araw pero this year will be different. We will make it special para maramdaman nya kung gaano sya ka-importante sa amin. Kulang pa ang araw na ito para ipakita ang importansya nya. Kaya naman kahit paano gumawaa kami ng paraan to let her feel that she's loved and appreaciated in so many ways. 

To the best Mom in the world: Happy Birthday Mama! One thing I learned from you is that you always give without expecting anything back. You love us unconditionally. You’re always there when everyone have left. You protect us from everything. You're the best. I thanked GOD for giving you in our life. Thank you Mama for everything. We love you so much.

Year 2014!

It's kinda sad kasi first time kong i-celebrate ang New Year sa office. Every year I'm always with my family kaso I can't control my schedule now kaya naman kailangan nasa office ako sa araw na toh. But I'm super glad I'm with my closest friends. At least kahit paano I can still find time to enjoy this day. Pare-parehas lang kami ng pinagdadaanan kaya okay na din. I started a year having breakfast with them along Libis sa Something Fishy. I don't have plans of creating New Year's Resolution kasi hindi ko naman nasusunod, ayoko na ulit ma-guilty. We went to Padre Pio's church to pray and be thankful for the non-stop blessings. The place is so calm that you'll find it the best place to talk to GOD. I thanked GOD for all the good things na binigay nya sa akin last year. I may have lapses sa buhay especially for last year pero okay lang, ang mahalaga natuto ako and I'm still continuing to live with His presence. Ngayong 2014, I'll try my best to make the most out of it. I am not getting younger. In fact I'll be turning 28 this year, ang bilis ng panahon. I have to focus on my life and my family. Ang love--isasantabi ko muna. I need to make good decisions and be stronger to everyday's challenges. 

My first plate for year 2014, hindi na ko magtitira everytime kakain ako. :)

watched "Pagpag" with Joey and Poy

Breakfast time at Something Fishy

Jollibee bonding after shift

The Gizmo Fun Run

I’ve never been a fan of walking, much more running. I did join few marathons when I was in Victory where we had this Race for Life marathon. That was a 10k run that I survived. But I never saw this one coming--joining again a marathon. This time it was a 3k run. Yeah, it’s still 3k. Poy, Nawol and I decided to register in the Superbook Gizmo Fun Run held yesterday at The Fort. I was very excited and at the same time nervous cause I don’t know if I can finish the run. I just thought I did the 10k run before and I finished it what more this 3k run. I had a sleepover again at Poy’ s house since the assembly time will start 4:30am and I live in Bulacan so I need to stay at his place to be able to make it. At the day of the run, I was happy with the shirt were wearing, looks like were real runners. We had our new running shoes. We never forget to take pictures as a souvenir. The venue was filled mostly with kids. It was like a family event. I love seeing families engaging in this type of activity cause you’ll see how bonded they are. Before the run, we followed some warm-up procedures. Then the run started. In the beginning I felt a bit tired already but after getting used to it, I guess I did just fine. We finished the 3k run with sweats running around our body because Mr. Sunshine is already on set. We took sips of water to hydrate then decided to have a good breakfast at Banapple with our friends who came by—Rogan and Eric. This was a sporty day I could say. I am looking forward to another event like this. But hey before I forgot, I saw one of my celebrity crush in this event—Benjamin Alves, a newcomer in GMA. Though I saw him from far apart I knew he’s looking pretty cute. J

Two Words Six Letters

I hate the fact that I’m giving up now. It’s barely in my mind for the longest time but I guess I have to do it. So I can spend more time for myself and the on the people around me. This is not really the real version of me but sometimes you need to change, for the better. Last December 8, 2013, I realized I have to end this crazy feeling I had for someone. I don’t know how to call him. I don’t want to put his name here because hacking is very easy. Let’s put a pseudo name. Let’s call him Mr. Hug. Why such name? That would be a secret unless he read about this and figure it out. I doubt cause he don’t even know he’s doing it. I had this feeling for Mr. Hug for a long time. I am a good actress cause I knew how to act in front of him normally. I should not use the word normal cause it’s really not. I guess I just have to pretend.  I don’t know when and how I started liking him. I just felt it. And it never stops. The feelings grew stronger and stronger every single day not until today I decided to cut it. Because I can’t tolerate it anymore. Who wants to look stupid? No one. This has been a decision I made so I can focus on myself.  Lately, this feeling began to scrutinize me. So I decided to let go. One of the most difficult thing a person will do for the sake of being free again from getting hurt. It’s kinda hurt letting go but if it’s for your own good then I have to do it. Love makes the world go round but what if love also makes your world doomed, then you really have to stop. In this case, I am doing it for I want to feel free again. From crying, wallowing and the non-stop feeling of getting jealous whenever you see him with someone. I know it’s gonna be ten times hard on my part but I can do it. I know in my heart I’ll get over him. I don’t believe in the saying that there’s really one guy you can’t get over it. I know we’ll get over it not right away but slowly. It’s always gonna be a long process. But eventually it’ll end. As for now, I think I’m surviving. There may be days I find it awkward that I would like to go back on my old self liking him but there’s also part of me dictating that I have to mean what I say. That is to stop. It’s killing me but I have to find my own remedy. I guess I’m gonna be fine when my hair grows back. So what’s these two words six letters I am trying to say---move on. 

Year End!

Last December 7, 2013 a cool Saturday evening, we just had our company’s year-end party. The venue was in One Esplanade located near MOA. I was very hesitant to attend this party because for my 3 years stay in Aegis, I never attend any party organized by the company. Why? Well, I am ot just in the mood. I am not into wearing party dresses, putting make-up on and walking in heels. Not just my forte after all. I live a very simple life, mainly shirts, jeans and flats, I’m okay with it. Plus the fact that I am not into crowded places. I am not a people person. I lack confidence in front of many people. But since it’s mandatory, I don’t have any choice. I am thankful I’m with my circle of friends. I guess I’m good with it. We met at Nawol’s house. Nawol’s family has been very kind to us ever since the very beginning. We love her family so much.  But let me rewind from the previous week. We are all busy preparing for the party. My first ever party at work. We raid each malls looking for a dress, accessories and shoes. I got mine at People are People for P499, not bad. It was a black tube dress. It was kinda big for my size but thanks to Mo cause she did d a good job repairing it. It turned out exactly what I wanted. Last time I wore a dress was when I attended my Kuya’s gig at Ortigas way back year 2012 and then followed by this day. I told you I am not a big fan of dresses. I made some sort of recycling with my shoes and accessories. I got my black gladiator pumps and the necklace gave my Ate. That worked well with the dress. The rest of my friends, they also have their own moments. During the party, we all had our own transformation, something you don’t witness on a daily basis. We looked pretty, elegant, sophisticated and different. Of course, were all shocked with the result but on a positive way. The boys had their own shining moments as well. They looked handsome and gorgeous. Minus the mafia look and the suspender thing. We ate, talked and took a lot of pictures. It was a blast not after the party ended. We argued on where place to go after the party. We all had our different opinions. We clashed. We felt cold to each other. We were quiet. We lost confidence. Were all in a bad mood. Our feet took us to Padi’s. The mood changed. We drank all night. We danced and forget about the arguments we had. Our friendship is so bonded that we don’t let little misunderstandings get in our way. Yeah, we may have our different views on certain things but we managed to overcome it. How? By living on what we have. By accepting each other’s flaws. There’s no perfect friendship. It’s the imperfections that made us stronger, bonded and well-loved.  That night I am also about to take one of the biggest risk I could possibly do in my life. At first I know I can do it but as the negative mood surrounded the place, it killed y confidence. So I kept hanging in. Until now. I guess it’s not the perfect timing. But I was a bit sad cause that would break my long years of waiting and speculating. Anyways, when we got back to Nawol’s place, we rewinded the things that happened that night. It was mixed emotions. And that untold story in Malate, I am thankful it remained as a secret. Not to the three of us but there’s one addition. You know who you are. It’ll come out in perfect time. And we’ll just laugh about it for it’s done already. I am not a bit ready now. Off to another year end party for 2014? Let’s see. :)

MU???

I was passing at the National Bookstore yesterday and I saw this book written by Noringai. I was about to buy it but then I found out my card was expired and I ran out of cash. So I checked and saw this through wattpad. I put it in my blog cause I kinda relate to this feeling. Very confusing. But I just thought I'll just go with it. Bahala na. Cause if it makes you smile why deprive yourself of it. I know there will be consequences and unti-unti ko na ngay syang nafi-feel. I'm a tough cookie I know, I'll go through this. Maybe not now, but soon. So I'll enjoy muna every moment and let myself worry later. Life is too short. I know I'm thinking too way stupid now but I can't help it. 

Playful Emotions

Sometimes you're wondering because you've been through different emotions for a week. You started the week so hyper and positive and ended it with a low, tired emotion. I blogged about this cause I'm kinda observant of my emotions for the past few weeks. Very unpredictable. There were times I almost hate everyone and don't want to go out and whine. And then comes a time that I was smiling. As in the whole day with a certain reason. My aura is so fresh and everyone around you noticed how blooming you are. Indeed, we are all surrounded with different feelings. Or should I say playful emotions. One day you're sad and the next day you're freaking happy. Say what?! My theory about his goes along on how the people around you and your environment affects you, literally positive or negative. You adapt their emotions. You feel what their feeling. You talk what they say. In short, they change you a lot. As for myself, how I mingle with people and how I accept every changes/feelings dictates what my emotion is. I find it peculiar that sometimes you should feel scared on something but then the result is totally opposite. It feels like it's nothing on you. Then when it's time for you to feel scared, everybody is okay with it. Dealing - that's the keyword. Each of us deals in every emotion differently. Sometimes too exaggerated. Sometimes just average. Or worst we almost burst out into tears. Our body had this magical glands that controls our emotions. Very powerful that we always respond to it knowingly or unknowingly. Lately my emotion is getting better unlike the previous weeks that's full of jealousy, selfishness and a bit of anger and insecurity. Yeah, emotions that I don't want to feel again cause I feel like I'm turning into a different person, the not-so-good version of me so enough with it. I am thankful that this week turned out to be my recovery week. I was smiling and I feel like I have a happy heart. I don't now how it happen but I will not contradict it anymore. I'm glad the soft-spoken, simpler version of me is emerging again. I promise to be a good girl from now on. I experienced how to be a bitch already and I am not cool with it so I stick to my old self where I can be contented on small stuff. Love can change you for it is being surrounded by feelings you can't control. But once you're used to it, you can be the best version of yourself. From now on, I will always try my best to create good emotions, someone with  a happy heart. Lovelovelove! :)

KJ!

Kill joy. This is how my friends normally described me. If ever we need to hang-out or drink and I refused to go with them, they will call me "kill joy". Oftentimes, I just ignore them. But lately, it's kinda irritating. Being a kill joy has a negative commentary about your personality. But seeing it on the other side, you're being a kill joy because you have your own choices on what you want to do, what makes you happy or maybe what you want to be. It does not necessarily mean that you're being a kill joy because you don't know how to make fun, we just have our own ways of being happy. Not because I don't want to drink means I hate drinking. Maybe I am not just in the mood to do that for that certain day. Not because I don't want to join them making "tambay" in a certain place doesn't mean I don't want their company. Maybe I just want to get enough sleep or I have my own priorities for that day. A kill joy don't usually give explanation on why they don't want to do such things when being invited or being asked to do so. I guess that's the main reason why they were most of the time misinterpreted. Such a pity. We all have different likes, pastimes, hobby and even interest. We may jive this day and the other day were fighting because were born to have different emotions depending on what we need. Being termed as kill joy most of the time is a compliment rather than an obstruction to one's self.  Taking it more on a positive side. You're a kill joy because you choose to embrace the imperfections without offending other people. You're a kill joy because you always try to weigh your decision whether to do something or not. Happiness is a consideration for this one. Why will you do something if it ain't make you happy? If it will not make you feel satisfied? That will just be a waste of time. You don't have to please everyone. You don't 'try' to fit in just because everyone's doing it. Because you have a self-control. On the other hand, they tend to define kill joy people as the one who afraid to take risk. I bet to disagree. They just don't want to take risk for something not work risking for. They love life as much as everyone do. They just have a different version of dealing with it. I'm not being so defensive here, just speaking the truth. And another thing, they'll accept you for who you are without calling you "kill joy" for we have our own differences. This may just be my flaws. But I like it. In fact I'm loving it. This is my very own way of protecting myself. Kinda selfish to hear but that's really it. Last thing, they say kill joy people spoil the fun of others? Again. I beg to disagree. They do not spoil others happiness, they just know what their limitations are. And this varies in situation. This is not applicable to everything. If you know what I'm thinking. We don't make it hard for people to enjoy themselves, were all grown ups so we know what's right and wrong. We also break rules. We do criticism as well so how can we even be exempted. The negative connotation of the word "kill joy" is so overrated. I just hope you know that. Peace!

Don't Take It Personally

(This article has been taken on the Hellogiggles.com website wrote by Sarah Bates.)

How to let go of what others say to hurt you.

If someone says something to intentionally try to hurt you, know that it probably says a lot more about them than it does about you. When you’re affected and hurt by something said by someone you know, it’s because they have struck a chord with you somewhere that hurt – a soft spot. Something in your person isn’t bulletproof on the subject and therefore it lingers and continues to sting. This thing might even resonate for a reason that’s totally separate from the meaning intended, but it’s coming close to a tender zone in how you feel about yourself. The pain is a reflection of an insecurity that is just the slightest bit validated. The thoughts that bubble up are usually, “Is it true?” or even, “It istrue!” Just one tiny comment can bring the deepest insecurities to life.

Usually when friends or loved ones are mean to us they are so stuck in their heads they cannot see how they are perceived and experienced by others. Sometimes they’ve grown up with a different level of tolerance to this style of relating to others and therefore they see it as normal or acceptable. They literally do not see what they are really saying, even when it’s totally clear to you and everyone else that what they’re saying is super mean. Even when they have delivered a targeted insult, this can be intended to have a different affect. For example, people who grow up with parents who are very extroverted with their feelings will be the same way with their comments about at others. It’s a culture of directness with no bad intention.

For some, saying mean things is something casual and humorous that for them demonstrates intimacy and friendship. “We’re so close that we can say anything to one another. We’re like family in that way.” For many, cutting people down is simply a self-defense mechanism intended to protect and hide overwhelming insecurity. Like pointing to any and all flaws in others to get the focus away from them. “Look over there! Don’t see me. Don’t see how lame I am or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Look at that person instead. Aren’t they…uh…dumb and um…too tall! Yeah!”

Sometimes people even take on meanness as a part of their image (also a defense mechanism,) because in their minds they believe it reflects confidence and strength. They’re so tough, they say whatever they think or feel, in any situation. “I don’t believe in acting nice – I’ve just lived too much. I’m above feeling guilt – I’m just too strong.”

When a total stranger verbally assaults you, it can affect us deeply, but for different reasons. When someone treats you as less than human, they force you into a degrading role – one that disregards your value, and betrays every norm in your civilized life. And, like the concepts they connote, words can be shocking and painful to our physical person. It’s tough to protect yourself from profanities directed passionately at you by a stranger, in part because they often come when you least expect, but you can work not letting it damage you. Like a traumatic physical injury, you must heal from the shock and pain inflicted by words processing it. Don’t keep it to yourself – talk about it, hear the reactions of others, and place it in context in your mind. Know that you were a victim, it shouldn’t have happened, and it was not a typical experience to have. When it comes to how you feel about yourself in regards to this event, that’s a no-brainer: totally 100% not about you so don’t give it any weight. Just recover from the assault and try to let it go. If it really upset you and you’re confused as to why, it’s probably because you experienced something so powerfully negative at a time you least expected it, so it’s feeling like a violation of your comfort in your everyday life. You shouldn’t have to feel afraid of everyday experiences, and the fact that you are now is upsetting. Try to remember that this is not representative of humanity, it’s just one random, very angry person.

As a rule, when someone is super mean, don’t waste any energy trying to rationalize or understand their motivation. As a default, assume “serious issues.” It doesn’t make it right, but anyone who would verbally injure you in such a way probably has internalized a lot of hurt and anger over a great many years and is spewing it at anyone, including you. You were simply in the line of fire. Regardless of what they might have said, it’s not about you.

Often we hurt not by the actual words people say, but because of their intention. “Why would someone that is supposed to care about me intentionally try to hurt me?” That question’s a lot more layered, but the easiest answer is: it’s probably not what you think. I know that’s not enough when it comes to someone you love hurting you. Know that when a person is put through a lot of tragic and painful stuff as a child, they become defensive and depressed or filled with anger – like a snarling, tortured animal trying to stave of danger. Their reaction to you is merely being put through the filter that is their life, and that cruelty is just the language of their discontent. What I try to do when I encounter a person who is overwhelmingly mean and angry, is step back and imagine what could have happened to them to make them so upset. When it’s put it in a far-away perspective, it helps me to remind myself that it’s not about me at all.

How to prevent things from hurting at all?

The true answer to that is confidence. When you know yourself well and love yourself, you can see only the pain of others because you know what they are saying is false. When you know yourself, no one can undo that knowledge or convince you to feel you are something less. In the face of degradation, you will simply think, “I disagree. I like me.” It’s a pretty illuminating and wonderful state to be in because all of a sudden you see everyone and their issues plain as day. Their insecurity is so transparent and the fact that they are stuck only makes you pity them. This state of self-love and confidence is one we all have to work toward and constantly maintain, but it gets easier and better with time. Knowing who you are and liking that person changes everything in your life, for the better.

How do you work on loving and knowing yourself?

It takes consistently working on yourself from the inside out and change won’t happen overnight, but it will happen. You need to uproot the issues you have and dispel them with the help of a therapist, books, supportive friends, and consistent self-care. Here are a few important basic self-care steps to get you started.

• Be self-protective. Don’t accept mistreatment from others because you are subconsciously being told by your own behavior that you are not worth protecting.

• Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Don’t numb your feelings to silence your truth or do things that betray your own best interests. For example, putting yourself in harms way because you feel like you have to in order to be liked by someone else. This also communicates to yourself subconsciously that you are not worth protecting.

• Become a friend to yourself – one you can talk to about anything, who is nice. Start writing in a journal daily, and begin having a dialogue with yourself about the events in your life. Focus the journal on yourself and how you feel about those events. Try to be a counselor to yourself and help yourself to resolve inner conflicts. Be honest in this journal and tell yourself the deep down feelings you might not tell others. Ask yourself questions and then suggest answers. Reflect on your true motivations. Cop to things you shouldn’t have done, then forgive yourself and know that you don’t want to repeat them. Be understanding and forgiving of yourself and know that you are trying to better yourself as a person.

This might sound paradoxical in the context of writing to yourself, but as a rule never refer to your body or actions as not “you” – meaning never treat your body as a separate entity that is or isn’t doing things right. Often times when we treat our bodies as tools that we are using. We punish them or pollute them, because we own them and we want to use them to have more fun. And some how they are not “us,” they are our bodies. When you don’t treat your body as a part of “you,” you’ll begin to grow numb to what your body is telling you and one day you won’t be able to tell how you feel. That’s when really bad stuff can happen. So as a rule, when you think about your body, think of it as a seamless part of your soul. “I feel __” is an easy way to think of it.

Talk honestly with yourself in this journal. Instead of writing, “I don’t even remember what happened…” as though someone were reading it, write down what you know is the truth. Confront your actions and feelings and don’t be scared of them. This is where you process information so you can decide what you like about yourself and what you don’t like and aspire to change. It’s only for you to help yourself act in alignment with what you really want, and everything you think and feel is okay.

• Do work on yourself in different ways. Take concrete actions toward bettering yourself. Anything and everything counts: new hobbies, taking new classes, healthier eating. Try a couple at once: start exercising more regularly, groom yourself with more care, take up a new hobby, and read a book that will help you grow as a person. Do the things that take effort – that are not as fun as watching trashy TV, but are still enjoyable. Push yourself to choose things that you think will make you a better you, not what you think others will say is cool. Even if they’re little habits and hobbies, they’re still worthwhile.

• Aspire to be kind, always. This one goes a long way. It’s hardest to do when you’re mad, but just by wanting to be a nice person is something that will change how you feel about yourself a million percent. If someone is rude and you can let it go and even be kind in the face of it, what that shows you subconsciously is you are a good person, and stronger than any insult.