A's Leaving

Finally, it's confirmed. I'm leaving on the 26th of April. I'm going to Dubai. Supposedly this should happen last year but for special circumstances it was re-scheduled this year. I don't know if I'm prepare. I guess. Well, I should be cause I'm doing this for my family. I'm scared cause I'm going to be miles away from my family and friends but I'm hoping and praying that I'll get use to it. I'll tender my resignation tomorrow. It's kinda sad leaving my company whose been my home for 3 years but better opportunities is on my way now so I have to grab it for it only comes once in a lifetime. I'm counting the days now. Time flies so fast. Soon I'm boarding. 

Breakthrough

I am wondering after reading the book “The Fault In Our Star” yesterday, I am having a breakthrough. This is for real. I guess because of the fact that it made me realize that time is precious. Time is limited. That I only have one life to live. So after that, there were so many things floating in my mind. Almost everything about my life, my work, family and friends. I've been through a lot in the past and I think this is the time to fix my life. Well, I am not a trash and I’m blessed with all the good things happening to me. What I mean is that I need to turn my timetable in a different direction. Something that will not just benefit myself but my loved ones. That book woke me up through the realities of life. I had a blast. Now all my thoughts are packed up waiting to explode. First thing in mind now, arrange my travel to Dubai and make sure it will go smoothly and that I’ll get a good job there. Take note, I just finish editing my CV earlier. I make sure it looks good and honest. Hey, I counted in my hands that I’ve been in the BPO business for almost eight years. I had no regrets about it but it’s about time I find my craft. My first plan when I reach Dubai—find a decent work with a good pay and save. This is all about saving for my future. What else? I am still doing good now in my current work—or should I say excellent. I am still meeting the company’s expectations. But I’ve stayed enough. I have to give it up for the better. I've learned so much, made a lot of friends, got my heart broken, earned averagely and it molded me of who I am now in terms of my knowledge in the BPO industry. But it has to end in a positive mark. And it’ll happen soon. I can say I’m ready to face a new chapter of my life. Then goes my concern for my family. My parents getting older and I have to take full responsibility of them. It’s payback time. I have to give them what they deserve and let them enjoy life in all possible ways. I love them so much that I can’t take seeing them suffering. I've been dumb in my decisions from the past. I've been so numb without recognizing that the clock is ticking and I have to move fast in order to achieve what I want to get. And lastly, my life. I still don’t know what I want in my life but I’m sure I’ll discover it. I hope Dubai lead me the way. I have my full faith on it. I am going to give my best for this one. I’ll sacrifice everything. I don’t care if I’m still single by the time I reach 30. My goal now is to make the most out of it. I wasted so much time being scared of finding what I want and and now no one can stop me. I am not going to put myself inside a box lacking options and merely staring at the four corners of it. I will be free and I will open my arms to new opportunities. I will not let fear conquered my dreams. You know what, I feel brave writing this. I don’t know why. I feel so determined and passionate. I’ll set aside my heart—for real again cause it always get in the way. I’ll have my brains work for me now. Somehow I knew I can do this with God’s guidance. And this starts today. My breakthrough moment will begin.  

Healing!

Finally, I can say I am trying to get over him. After a year, I am moving on-- for real. Acceptance is better. I thought I cannot do it. But when you get tired hoping, wishing and loving without getting any response, healing the broken heart came naturally. I also thought that upon moving on, it does not necessarily mean that you don't need to see or you have to avoid the object of your affection, you can do it to escape everything that you're feeling but in my case, I am surviving every single day even I'm seeing him or even having conversation with him. You'll get used to it. Feelings change and so people do. You'll just realize that in some point you LOVED person and now, YOU'RE DONE. It may sound negative but I guess it's really part of it. The beautiful things you saw on him suddenly vanished and you're now beginning to observe the imperfections and the full details. Yeah, hatred sucks. But you can't help it.  It helps-big time. I am now being honest to myself which I'm not lately. I am still hurting but I know I am on the edge of getting everything in the right place. This thing they called love really made me crazy at one time and now I am seeing the big picture that I am maturing. And most of all-healing. 

The Fault In Our Star; I wanna have my own Augustus Waters!

The Fault In Our Star Movie

Ansel Elgort as Augustus Waters

Shailene Woodley as Hazel Grace Lancaster

I bought the book last week. Or let me correct myself, I asked my friend Poy to reserve the book for me at NBS because seriously, the book sells like hotcakes. It’s nowhere to buy because it was easily wiped off from the bookstore shelves. Then my friend Joey picked it up for me because the place is too far from me to get the book. In short, I made no effort at all to get it. Thanks to my friends. Last week, I am very tempted to read it but I promise myself I’ll read it during my rest days. But I failed. I sneaked on three chapters and finished reading the entire book today. I grabbed my laptop and find myself writing this review. Why? I can’t get over with the story. It is so different and interesting. It made me cry big time especially in every flipped of the pages where Gus was very ill and Hazel made a eulogy for him, the funeral part and also the torn three pages that he sent to Van Houten. I can’t help but savor the moment. I felt like I was part of the story. I love the way the book was written and how it ended. I was waiting for the part where Hazel and Gus will meet afterlife. But I know there’s no sequel.  After all I remember there was one part there where they discuss about it, the heaven, God and a happy life there but I guess it meant to end like that. A sad but inspiring ending. I never thought such love story could exist which makes me think like I want to be like Hazel Grace—minus the cannula, the cancer, the lungs trying to be lungs. Just the girl with the boy haircut with an affection of reading An Imperial Affliction and loving parents. Because I wanna feel like to have someone like Augustus Waters. Honestly, I never experience true love. How was it like, I don’t really have an idea. I fell in love twice but that was it—all one-sided love where I just got hurt in the end. I am even used to it so who cares? But a special love coming from Augustus Waters, I know it’s incredible. I don’t care if he’s amputated—but then minus the osteosarcoma and his death. But again, I used the word “but” again I can’t help it, it will be impossible to happen cause without the struggles and the sickness they had it would not be a unique love story. And again as I repeat, I still wanna be Hazel Grace. Then I realize that love knows no boundaries. If it struck you, it will be a one big roller coaster ride. It’s either you stay on top, you go down or you keep spinning. Then comes a time you may even fall. I won’t even mind falling for someone like Augustus Waters who drives recklessly and can even grant your wish to meet your favorite author. Plus that crooked smile, I’m sure I’ll be head over heels. Going back being Hazel Grace, I know it’s gonna be tough but to experience a love that is so pure and beautiful, it’s worth fighting for. I imagined, when will I have mine? My own Augustus Waters. As if Hazel Grace prayed for him like what I’m doing now. He came in her life unexpectedly. He was Hazel Grace’s miracle and cure during her difficult days fighting cancer. I was wondering where can I meet mine? Hazel Grace met Gus at the Support Group. I concluded maybe he’ll come at the right time. I was obsessed of the idea of my own version of Augustus Waters forgetting the fact of how their story was done. Maybe in my past I met someone like Gus but he’s not just the right guy and there will be a lot of Gus still out there and I just have to wait. What if the waiting will be that long that I get tired? I should not because Hazel Grace never does that. So I was like the ordinary Hazel Grace waiting for my prince charming. Not my type of story. I believe in happy ending s but not the fairytale type of love story. I know it only exists in the movies like this book but I can still have my own plot. Honestly, as of the moment, I am hooked with the book and can’t wait to watch the movie this coming June. I bet I am gonna cry like a baby. I was reading it earlier and I kept on sobbing. I gave John Green a big credit for writing this one of a kind story. I don’t know how his mind works but his story touched my heart and soul. He made me realized to believe in true love even for the shortest time for it was not the length of time that matters most but how you spend it and with whom. Hazel Grace and Augustus maybe together for not that long but their love blossomed in a way like it was a lifetime. They may not say I love you so often in every chapter but whenever they do, you feel as a reader they always mean it. They may not kiss everyday but when they do, it’s magic. They may have sickness that cannot be cured but they believe in forever. They don’t care if one of them will die sooner; they care how they will live each day memorable and filled with love. Though the twist of the story came appalled having Augustus died first, I guess it was still perfectly done. For a guy who made a girl feel like there’s still hope though they both know their life will be over sooner, it is still touching. It was like this. You’re sick. You met a guy.  He looks healthy and hot. You became friends. You like him. He likes you back. You became partners. You had a good time together. You’re still sick. You found out he’s sick too. You consoled each other. You love each other more. The boy needs to die for a purpose of making you live for his memories. Then you live for now. The story ends. And sooner the girl’s life will eventually ends. It may be tragic if we will look at it literally. But how such story can be tragic if the result is true love. There’s still glimpse of reality in the end. After all were all gonna die. But Augustus died with no regrets. He fought hard for the girl he loves. It’s just the circumstances that can be a bit harsh. And I still want an Augustus Waters in my life even for a short moment. Someone who can share to me how lovely the book I was reading. Someone who never stop saying “Okay” though it’s kind of annoying. Someone who will make you feel like you can wish anything and he’ll make a way to grant it. And someone who’s in the edge of dying still had you on his my mind(but I’m not saying that once I met my own Augustus he’ll die also). You’re real hero. How I love the book that I can’t stop thinking about it to the point that I followed Ansel Elgort in Twitter. By the way, he played Gus in this book and he’s a real charm hoping I’ll get even just a greeting from him through Twitter. I think I am having a huge crush on him. Whoa! J

Feeling Guilty!

Have you ever been in a situation where in you feel so annoyed with someone? After all—you’re friends. You just can’t control the feelings kahit anung gawin mo. All you think is your damn feeling that no matter what you do you can’t get over it. Ganito pala pag nagseselos ka. You ignore the boundaries kahit kaibigan mo pa ang pinagseselosan mo. I just feel so disappointed about myself, sobra. I feel like I’m so miserable and selfish. I had this guilty feeling with my friend. Sabi nila normal lang daw toh. How can this be? I feel so plastic. This is really not the good version of me. I am turning into a green-eyed monster na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ba’t ako nagkakaganito? Because of this one guy. When you like or love someone, you don’t want other people lurking around him getting his attention. You want it all yours. In my case, anyone can get his attention but not this girl. I don’t know. I felt like they have a connection, something different—physically. Okay, were good emotionally and in other aspects but physically, I think I don’t I fit in. I’m small, skinny, round face short haired person with a body of a child. Late-blooomer. I don’t have a height that guys turn their heads on. The waist that guys crave to hold and the body they wanna look at. Seriously, I am losing my self-esteem now. But you know what? Sometimes I really don’t care cause I know I have something they don’t have. Physical appearance is a factor but what’s in the inside that matters. Para ngang nag-aalangan na ko kasi the way I think now, this is something I should not be proud of. Mali mag-isip ng ganito sa ibang tao lalo na pag kaibigan mo pa. I just can’t help it. Ayokong sabihin na may motibo din sya but I’m just a girl and our instincts never go wrong. I am sure of it. The problem with guys, they don’t know how to weigh things out. Very insensitive. Parang gusto ko ng maniwala na may dalawang klase ng babae na hinahanap ang isang lalaki: first is the girl that will satisfy their fantasy and second, the girl that they’ll be proud to introduce to their parents and friends. Ganun daw. My biggest problem now is how to deal with jealousy. Na-overcome ko na toh dati bumalik lang ulit. Ang hirap kasi you try to be yourself sa harap ng taong pinagseselosan mo. I feel guilty about it and I don’t really know how to escape with the feeling or just be normal. Parang lahat nalang ng ginagawa nya you’ve been so observant about it but you see it negatively kasi iniisip mo baka agawin nya yung tao na gusto mo. That’s the real point without thinking na wala naman talagang meaning yung ginagawa nya. She’s just being a friend. I made a promise to myself recently na I’ll get away this thought. I think kaya ko naman. It’s just that may mga days talaga na sablay pa din ako. I’m just human. Sometimes you can’t deal with it and all you have to do is just let it be.  Pero naisip ko din yung tao bang gusto ko worth talaga? Hindi ko pa masagot ang tanong na yan hanggang ngayon kasi overwhelmed pa ko sa feeling na tinatawag nilang “love”. Di ba pag gusto mo ang isang tao kahit may mali na syang gawin tama pa din sa paningin mo? Unfair di ba. Siguro if I learn how to use my mind over heart magiging okay ang lahat. I know it’s gonna be a long process. I hate the feeling of being jealous. I wanna end it. Maybe soon. 

M.O.

One of the hardest things to do—mag-move on. Ang weird mang sabihin pero yan ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Alam naman natin kung bakit dapat gawin ito. Ang dali lang sabihin pero sa totoo lang mahirap gawin. You don’t even know how to start at kung kaya mo bang gawin. You’re trying to question your capability. Ayoko sanang gawin pero I don’t want to wait in vain. Hindi mo nga alam kung may hinihintay ka talaga. I am a risk-taker pero pagdating sa usapang pag-ibig I’m a coward. Gusto ko man tanungin ang taong gusto ko kung gusto ba nya ako hindi ko talaga kaya. First, I am breaking the rule ng pagiging babae cause guys suppose to do that and second, I am deeply afraid of rejection. Ang hirap kayang tanggappin na marinig mo sa kanya na hindi pa sya ready na ang ibig sabihin naman talaga ayaw nya sayo or hindi ka nya trip or friends lang talaga kayo. Mawawalan ka talaga ng pag-asa and all you hope for is sana makalimot ka agad. We have different ways to move on. Pero the difficult part is you’re moving on pero kasama mo pa din parati yung tao na source ng pagmo-move on mo. Ang result wala din. Naisip ko nga minsan why don’t I just tell that guy that I like him. Sabi nga ng kakilala ko sa buhay ng tao walang gray area—yes or no lang. Pag nag-yes sya eh di ayos at pag nag-no naman wala ka talagang magagawa. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Either you win or lose. Gusto ko na talaga mag-move on. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano. Kasi I still have this hope na pwede. Hindi ko pa kasi naririnig sa kanya. Yung hope mo na baka ganun din sya. Wala namang masama mangarap. Kaso tuwing naiisip ko din na sobrang tagal na nito at wala pa din, baka nga were destined to be friends lang. Baka nga hanggang dun nalang. Hindi ko alam kung anu na ang dapat kong isipin. I want freedom. Yung tipong hindi ko muna sya iisipin. Hindi ko muna sya isasama sa mga priorites ko at yung tipong I’ll focus on myself and other important stuff. Kaya lang pag andyan na sya nakakalimutan ko na lahat. I’m back to zero again. Ang hirap pag attached ka na sa tao. Sabi din nila if you want to fully move on isipin mo din daw ang mga pangit na bagay na meron sya. Kaso parang bitter naman kakalabasan ko at tsaka the process is kinda negative. Pag hindi mo naman sya pinansin or nag-iba ka ng routine, obvious naman na may mag-iiba sa akin. At mapapansin nya yun. So ano ba ang dapat? Ang gulo di ba. I think I just wanna get back with my old self. Kasi naman dati simple lang ako. Parang ngayon I am trying too hard to be different para lang mapansin. And I really hate it.I just want to get over this feeling. Hindi ko alam kung kelan at gaano katagal pero ginagawa ko na sya ngayon. Sana mapanindigan ko lang talaga or else parang niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko.