Playful Emotions

Sometimes you're wondering because you've been through different emotions for a week. You started the week so hyper and positive and ended it with a low, tired emotion. I blogged about this cause I'm kinda observant of my emotions for the past few weeks. Very unpredictable. There were times I almost hate everyone and don't want to go out and whine. And then comes a time that I was smiling. As in the whole day with a certain reason. My aura is so fresh and everyone around you noticed how blooming you are. Indeed, we are all surrounded with different feelings. Or should I say playful emotions. One day you're sad and the next day you're freaking happy. Say what?! My theory about his goes along on how the people around you and your environment affects you, literally positive or negative. You adapt their emotions. You feel what their feeling. You talk what they say. In short, they change you a lot. As for myself, how I mingle with people and how I accept every changes/feelings dictates what my emotion is. I find it peculiar that sometimes you should feel scared on something but then the result is totally opposite. It feels like it's nothing on you. Then when it's time for you to feel scared, everybody is okay with it. Dealing - that's the keyword. Each of us deals in every emotion differently. Sometimes too exaggerated. Sometimes just average. Or worst we almost burst out into tears. Our body had this magical glands that controls our emotions. Very powerful that we always respond to it knowingly or unknowingly. Lately my emotion is getting better unlike the previous weeks that's full of jealousy, selfishness and a bit of anger and insecurity. Yeah, emotions that I don't want to feel again cause I feel like I'm turning into a different person, the not-so-good version of me so enough with it. I am thankful that this week turned out to be my recovery week. I was smiling and I feel like I have a happy heart. I don't now how it happen but I will not contradict it anymore. I'm glad the soft-spoken, simpler version of me is emerging again. I promise to be a good girl from now on. I experienced how to be a bitch already and I am not cool with it so I stick to my old self where I can be contented on small stuff. Love can change you for it is being surrounded by feelings you can't control. But once you're used to it, you can be the best version of yourself. From now on, I will always try my best to create good emotions, someone with  a happy heart. Lovelovelove! :)

KJ!

Kill joy. This is how my friends normally described me. If ever we need to hang-out or drink and I refused to go with them, they will call me "kill joy". Oftentimes, I just ignore them. But lately, it's kinda irritating. Being a kill joy has a negative commentary about your personality. But seeing it on the other side, you're being a kill joy because you have your own choices on what you want to do, what makes you happy or maybe what you want to be. It does not necessarily mean that you're being a kill joy because you don't know how to make fun, we just have our own ways of being happy. Not because I don't want to drink means I hate drinking. Maybe I am not just in the mood to do that for that certain day. Not because I don't want to join them making "tambay" in a certain place doesn't mean I don't want their company. Maybe I just want to get enough sleep or I have my own priorities for that day. A kill joy don't usually give explanation on why they don't want to do such things when being invited or being asked to do so. I guess that's the main reason why they were most of the time misinterpreted. Such a pity. We all have different likes, pastimes, hobby and even interest. We may jive this day and the other day were fighting because were born to have different emotions depending on what we need. Being termed as kill joy most of the time is a compliment rather than an obstruction to one's self.  Taking it more on a positive side. You're a kill joy because you choose to embrace the imperfections without offending other people. You're a kill joy because you always try to weigh your decision whether to do something or not. Happiness is a consideration for this one. Why will you do something if it ain't make you happy? If it will not make you feel satisfied? That will just be a waste of time. You don't have to please everyone. You don't 'try' to fit in just because everyone's doing it. Because you have a self-control. On the other hand, they tend to define kill joy people as the one who afraid to take risk. I bet to disagree. They just don't want to take risk for something not work risking for. They love life as much as everyone do. They just have a different version of dealing with it. I'm not being so defensive here, just speaking the truth. And another thing, they'll accept you for who you are without calling you "kill joy" for we have our own differences. This may just be my flaws. But I like it. In fact I'm loving it. This is my very own way of protecting myself. Kinda selfish to hear but that's really it. Last thing, they say kill joy people spoil the fun of others? Again. I beg to disagree. They do not spoil others happiness, they just know what their limitations are. And this varies in situation. This is not applicable to everything. If you know what I'm thinking. We don't make it hard for people to enjoy themselves, were all grown ups so we know what's right and wrong. We also break rules. We do criticism as well so how can we even be exempted. The negative connotation of the word "kill joy" is so overrated. I just hope you know that. Peace!

Don't Take It Personally

(This article has been taken on the Hellogiggles.com website wrote by Sarah Bates.)

How to let go of what others say to hurt you.

If someone says something to intentionally try to hurt you, know that it probably says a lot more about them than it does about you. When you’re affected and hurt by something said by someone you know, it’s because they have struck a chord with you somewhere that hurt – a soft spot. Something in your person isn’t bulletproof on the subject and therefore it lingers and continues to sting. This thing might even resonate for a reason that’s totally separate from the meaning intended, but it’s coming close to a tender zone in how you feel about yourself. The pain is a reflection of an insecurity that is just the slightest bit validated. The thoughts that bubble up are usually, “Is it true?” or even, “It istrue!” Just one tiny comment can bring the deepest insecurities to life.

Usually when friends or loved ones are mean to us they are so stuck in their heads they cannot see how they are perceived and experienced by others. Sometimes they’ve grown up with a different level of tolerance to this style of relating to others and therefore they see it as normal or acceptable. They literally do not see what they are really saying, even when it’s totally clear to you and everyone else that what they’re saying is super mean. Even when they have delivered a targeted insult, this can be intended to have a different affect. For example, people who grow up with parents who are very extroverted with their feelings will be the same way with their comments about at others. It’s a culture of directness with no bad intention.

For some, saying mean things is something casual and humorous that for them demonstrates intimacy and friendship. “We’re so close that we can say anything to one another. We’re like family in that way.” For many, cutting people down is simply a self-defense mechanism intended to protect and hide overwhelming insecurity. Like pointing to any and all flaws in others to get the focus away from them. “Look over there! Don’t see me. Don’t see how lame I am or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Look at that person instead. Aren’t they…uh…dumb and um…too tall! Yeah!”

Sometimes people even take on meanness as a part of their image (also a defense mechanism,) because in their minds they believe it reflects confidence and strength. They’re so tough, they say whatever they think or feel, in any situation. “I don’t believe in acting nice – I’ve just lived too much. I’m above feeling guilt – I’m just too strong.”

When a total stranger verbally assaults you, it can affect us deeply, but for different reasons. When someone treats you as less than human, they force you into a degrading role – one that disregards your value, and betrays every norm in your civilized life. And, like the concepts they connote, words can be shocking and painful to our physical person. It’s tough to protect yourself from profanities directed passionately at you by a stranger, in part because they often come when you least expect, but you can work not letting it damage you. Like a traumatic physical injury, you must heal from the shock and pain inflicted by words processing it. Don’t keep it to yourself – talk about it, hear the reactions of others, and place it in context in your mind. Know that you were a victim, it shouldn’t have happened, and it was not a typical experience to have. When it comes to how you feel about yourself in regards to this event, that’s a no-brainer: totally 100% not about you so don’t give it any weight. Just recover from the assault and try to let it go. If it really upset you and you’re confused as to why, it’s probably because you experienced something so powerfully negative at a time you least expected it, so it’s feeling like a violation of your comfort in your everyday life. You shouldn’t have to feel afraid of everyday experiences, and the fact that you are now is upsetting. Try to remember that this is not representative of humanity, it’s just one random, very angry person.

As a rule, when someone is super mean, don’t waste any energy trying to rationalize or understand their motivation. As a default, assume “serious issues.” It doesn’t make it right, but anyone who would verbally injure you in such a way probably has internalized a lot of hurt and anger over a great many years and is spewing it at anyone, including you. You were simply in the line of fire. Regardless of what they might have said, it’s not about you.

Often we hurt not by the actual words people say, but because of their intention. “Why would someone that is supposed to care about me intentionally try to hurt me?” That question’s a lot more layered, but the easiest answer is: it’s probably not what you think. I know that’s not enough when it comes to someone you love hurting you. Know that when a person is put through a lot of tragic and painful stuff as a child, they become defensive and depressed or filled with anger – like a snarling, tortured animal trying to stave of danger. Their reaction to you is merely being put through the filter that is their life, and that cruelty is just the language of their discontent. What I try to do when I encounter a person who is overwhelmingly mean and angry, is step back and imagine what could have happened to them to make them so upset. When it’s put it in a far-away perspective, it helps me to remind myself that it’s not about me at all.

How to prevent things from hurting at all?

The true answer to that is confidence. When you know yourself well and love yourself, you can see only the pain of others because you know what they are saying is false. When you know yourself, no one can undo that knowledge or convince you to feel you are something less. In the face of degradation, you will simply think, “I disagree. I like me.” It’s a pretty illuminating and wonderful state to be in because all of a sudden you see everyone and their issues plain as day. Their insecurity is so transparent and the fact that they are stuck only makes you pity them. This state of self-love and confidence is one we all have to work toward and constantly maintain, but it gets easier and better with time. Knowing who you are and liking that person changes everything in your life, for the better.

How do you work on loving and knowing yourself?

It takes consistently working on yourself from the inside out and change won’t happen overnight, but it will happen. You need to uproot the issues you have and dispel them with the help of a therapist, books, supportive friends, and consistent self-care. Here are a few important basic self-care steps to get you started.

• Be self-protective. Don’t accept mistreatment from others because you are subconsciously being told by your own behavior that you are not worth protecting.

• Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Don’t numb your feelings to silence your truth or do things that betray your own best interests. For example, putting yourself in harms way because you feel like you have to in order to be liked by someone else. This also communicates to yourself subconsciously that you are not worth protecting.

• Become a friend to yourself – one you can talk to about anything, who is nice. Start writing in a journal daily, and begin having a dialogue with yourself about the events in your life. Focus the journal on yourself and how you feel about those events. Try to be a counselor to yourself and help yourself to resolve inner conflicts. Be honest in this journal and tell yourself the deep down feelings you might not tell others. Ask yourself questions and then suggest answers. Reflect on your true motivations. Cop to things you shouldn’t have done, then forgive yourself and know that you don’t want to repeat them. Be understanding and forgiving of yourself and know that you are trying to better yourself as a person.

This might sound paradoxical in the context of writing to yourself, but as a rule never refer to your body or actions as not “you” – meaning never treat your body as a separate entity that is or isn’t doing things right. Often times when we treat our bodies as tools that we are using. We punish them or pollute them, because we own them and we want to use them to have more fun. And some how they are not “us,” they are our bodies. When you don’t treat your body as a part of “you,” you’ll begin to grow numb to what your body is telling you and one day you won’t be able to tell how you feel. That’s when really bad stuff can happen. So as a rule, when you think about your body, think of it as a seamless part of your soul. “I feel __” is an easy way to think of it.

Talk honestly with yourself in this journal. Instead of writing, “I don’t even remember what happened…” as though someone were reading it, write down what you know is the truth. Confront your actions and feelings and don’t be scared of them. This is where you process information so you can decide what you like about yourself and what you don’t like and aspire to change. It’s only for you to help yourself act in alignment with what you really want, and everything you think and feel is okay.

• Do work on yourself in different ways. Take concrete actions toward bettering yourself. Anything and everything counts: new hobbies, taking new classes, healthier eating. Try a couple at once: start exercising more regularly, groom yourself with more care, take up a new hobby, and read a book that will help you grow as a person. Do the things that take effort – that are not as fun as watching trashy TV, but are still enjoyable. Push yourself to choose things that you think will make you a better you, not what you think others will say is cool. Even if they’re little habits and hobbies, they’re still worthwhile.

• Aspire to be kind, always. This one goes a long way. It’s hardest to do when you’re mad, but just by wanting to be a nice person is something that will change how you feel about yourself a million percent. If someone is rude and you can let it go and even be kind in the face of it, what that shows you subconsciously is you are a good person, and stronger than any insult.

What Does It Mean to Be In-Love?

(This article has been taken on the HelloGiggles.com website wrote by Sarah Bates.)

It is to truly see someone, inside. Their beautiful soul. It is a rare and precious knowledge, and for you to be given the gift of this sight means you contain the right ingredients in your own soul. Often we feel such powerful emotions for another that we believe we are in love, but in reality we are viewing the person through a tainted lens – one that is obscured by the traumas of the past, and therefore we are unable to see things properly. We will grab toward the idea of loving that person, struggling to solidify our happiness together, but eventually look down to find our palms empty, again and again. To find our mates, first we must be ready, ourselves. And the growth we require can only be got with experiences that give us personal insight. The hard lessons we learn when we confront our truths. By putting ourselves out there and trying to love others, we learn of misperceptions and collect the missing pieces of ourselves: what we want, who we are, and who we are not. Through this honesty and acceptance of our truth, we grow better at seeing what rewards us in others. And in our attempts to find our match, we grow into our more authentic self.

To love another you must take in all of them: the depth and contrast that defines them. Their fabric, but more importantly, who they chose to become based on their experiences. Love comes from accurate sight, and a person’s true beauty comes from all of them: the darkness and the light. If you only focus on the light exterior, you are missing half of the truth. When you recognize great value inside the heart of another, it’s like hearing a singular mating call aimed just at you. You are recognizing the finite elements that you know to be of value to your own heart. This is a powerful knowledge to have for many reasons, the best being its ability to inspire more growth inside you. Being in love unlocks energy and a thirst for better because you want to give of yourself. It is the greatest gift you have to give. You become driven to show this person how you feel in any way possible: with affection, support, attention, being of service and giving your time. It is both selfless and rewarding in that you are fulfilled by acts of kindness that bring them happiness. Which in turn, makes you feel like a wonderful person.

Love enlightens your understanding of the world around you. You gain a special awareness and vision of what would normally go unnoticed: the beauty in others, in nature, and the immense value of what it means to be alive. Your emotional understanding of humanity grows much greater because you see things as more than just yourself, alone. You see things as you plus this new wondrous insight, this other, this one you love. This heightened awareness also provides, much like a magical elixir, strength and energy beyond what you could access alone. You gain a new set of heightened senses: you smell, hear, taste more beauty. It gives you relief from pain. It unlocks chambers of your compassion and benevolence. It gives you a greater connection to humanity at large.

When you are not in love, it will feel never fully yours. It can feel heavy and daunting. Or desperate and scary, almost like it is about to be stolen. Or just out of reach – you want and want but are never fulfilled. What this means is something is getting in the way of your readiness and ability to love. You need to do some work on yourself and get to the root of it because you are most likely seeing the wrong elements and misinterpreting the person and situation. It is well worth it, as it can be changed so that you can be in the wonderful state that is love, and you will both be much happier. Once that inner obstruction has been uprooted, you will be given the ability to love someone back – the way it should be given: from a whole place, where you can give of all of yourself.

Love needs to be healthy, and if it is not, it’s not love. It’s selfishness and fear collaborating to cause you to cling, despite what is painful, hurtful and numb. Sometimes we choose mates based on this pain and together we can better heal. A couple that is ready for personal growth will grow into a truly loving place, together. They use the stability and vision of the other to grow toward a place that is stronger than they could have alone, untangling the shallow roots that grew around the rocks and rubble of a shaky foundation. When that happens, they will be better to one another because they will be stronger in themselves: so big in heart and free in soul that they will shoot higher and higher, side by side – but still strong, apart. When you reach that place of wholeness, the stress and fear goes away because you are not using this other person to fill something incomplete. Truly loving another means wanting their happiness regardless of how that might affect you. And it means being happy in yourself, outside of them.

Love is the most powerful knowledge to gain in the entirety of life. It can give you the key to a wonderful existence that you could never access without it. Pursue it bravely and honestly. Take good care of yourself and covet your heart’s value. Know that you will be okay if something causes you pain. Have hope and optimism and let the rest go. And as soon as you are ready, you will find who you’ve been looking for. To truly love another person, you must first love yourself so that you can give of yourself with unfettered access. Without this personal knowledge you won’t be able to truly see others – most importantly, the one you love.

We will miss you Daddy! :(

 Last September 1, my Lolo na nakasanayan na naming tawaging "Daddy" passed away. After how many months of being bed-ridden, sumuko na sya. This has been one of the most difficult experience na pinagdadaanan ng isang pamilya. Loss of a family member. I can say I am a "grandpa's girl". I grew up with him teaching me good values about life. Isa sa mga bagay na tinuro sa akin ni Daddy is how to be religious. Bata pa lang ako I was trained to be a good follower of God. Parati nila akong kasama sa mga prayer meetings nila at dahil dyan naging member din ako ng isang Legion. Kung hindi naman dahil kay Daddy hindi ko malalaman lahat ng bagay na ito. We had a religious family and very active sa mga church gatherings. Daddy is an intelligent man as well. Naniniwala na ako na nung panahon nila Daddy, studying was taken seriously kasi naman iba yung level ng thinking nya and very good in decision-making. Super sinop pa that is why if you'll visit our house in Hagonoy you will see yung mga diplomas and certificates ng mga tito and tita ko way back in elementary, high school and college. Na-preserve nya talaga yun. Dyan ako bilib sa kanya. He gave importance on those things na sobrang bihira na ngayon dahil sa bagong generation. When they transferred sa Agatha, mas naging malapit ako sa kanya. Last birthday ko, he even gave me a copy of my graduation picture nung college as a gift. Ako nga hindi ko napa-photocopy yun nakuntento nalang ako sa isang copy pero sya meron ng sa photo album meron pa yung sinabit nya sa wall dun sa bahay. Proud talaga sya sa achievements ng bawat isa mapa-apo or anak pa nya. Pag may away or misunderstanding ang pamilya, he bridged the gap between each families. We may not be a perfect family but he taught us to embrace the imperfections and learn how to love each other. I've got so many good memories of him. Nung high school ako parati ako pumupunta sa kanya para magpatulong sa mga assignments ko especially sa English. Gigising sya ng maaga to make sure na before ako umalis nagawa na nya. Ganyan sya katiyaga. Bibigyan ka pa nya ng references and I remember ginawa pa nya ako ng book na maliit wherein he compiled all the articles and details na pwede kong magamit in my college days. Nung college din pati sa Calculus nagpapaturo ako sa kanya. Alam kong mahirap yun pero he still tried his best. Malay ko ba if may Calculus na nung time nila. Kahit hirap syang i-solve yung problems na puro x and y pero pinilit pa din nya. Plus ang ganda nya magsulat na kelan man hindi ko namana. Very organized pati yung signature nya mami-miss ko. Feeling ko nga nakuha ko yung signature nya kahit unti. Haha. Pag Christmas, hindi pwedeng hindi mo makita yung Christmas Tree nya na gawa sa yarn, project lang namin yung ganun nung elementary ako pero pinanindigan nyang maging Christmas Tree every December. Kahit kung anu-anu nalang ang sinasabit nya-dun. May carton ng Bear Brand at Nido, may balat ng kendi at kung anu-anu pa na galing sa recycled materials. Ikaw na Daddy ang creative. Hindi ko ulit namana yan, sayang. Yung bota pag baha mamimiss ko din yun kasi parati mong suot. Ilang apo mo na ang nakaabot dyan. Ginawa mo na nga minsang everyday part ng outfit mo Daddy kasi pag pupunta ka ng bayan yan pa din suot mo. Ayaw mo mawawala sa paningin mo. Hindi ko din namana yung ilong mo. No offense Mommy kasi alam kong medyo hawig tayo ng ilong pero mas okay sana kung yung kay Daddy ang nakuha ko kasi mas maganda at matangos sya pero keri na toh. Siguro pag umuwi kami sa Hagonoy mas madming memories ang maalala namin. Ang hira na ulit bumalik kasi dun kasi every corner of the house maalala mo sya. Sa CR pag nakita mo sya maalala mo kasi ang bagal maligo. Sa sofa parati syang tulog na nakabaluktot pa at parating sarado ang bintana kahit sobrang init. Sa kusina, makikita mo yung mga sulatin nya at mga folders katabi ang lalagyan ng pandesal. Sa taas naman yung baul nya na hindi mo alam kung ano yung laman. Hindi man ako vocal sa kanya para sabihin kung gaano sya ka-importante pero his loss left a mark sa heart ko. Alam kong may kulang talaga. I am guilty din kasi nung mga days na maysakit sya medyo nawalan ako ng time kasi naging busy ako at mas pinili akong i-spend ang time ko sa work. Nakalimutan ko na andyan pa pala sya. Tama nga sila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Nung maysakit sya dun pa ako nag-effort na makita at maipakitang mahalaga sya. I made such terrible mistake. A day before he passed away, we had a short conversation. I even massaged his left arm and nag-uusap pa kami. From that day, I know pinipilit nalang nya. And alam akong ayaw pa nyang mag-let go. He's still fighting for his family. Everyday na lumilipas mas nagiging worst ang kalagayan nya pero ayaw nyang aminin na nahihirapan na sya. Up to the end, hindi nya pinaramdam sa amin na pagod na sya. Every time na tatanungin mo sya parati nyang sasabihin "okay lang ako" at pag tatanungin mo kung ano ang masakit ang sagot nya "wala". Kapag nagkakasayahan kami kahit hindi na nya kayang ipalakpak ang kamay nya pipilitin pa din nya. A very strong brave man. Parating positive ang response. Hanggang huli lumalaban. I can say I'm one of the person na ayaw syang i-let go, selfish man isipin pero gusto ko makasama pa sya ng matagal kahit hanggang Christmas kaso everything has an end. At eto na yun. Nagpapasalamat ako kay GOD for giving Daddy to us sa loob ng mahabang panahon. Parang kulang pa pero madami na syang nagawa at napatunayan sa loob ng 88 years, Naging makabuluhan ang buhay nya at marami na syang natulungan at napasayang tao. Tapos na ang misyon nya. Alam ko masaya na sya kasi He's with our Creator na. Pero kahit ganun pa man I know he's watching us. Thank you GOD for giving Daddy to us.